Generate a Stand-Up Routine

Alright, folks, how's everyone doing tonight? Good? Great! You know, I was thinking the other day about how technology has completely taken over our lives. Like, remember when we used to actually memorize phone numbers? Now, if my phone dies, I'm basically stranded. I know exactly two numbers: mine and 911. And honestly, I'm not even sure about mine.

And speaking of phones, have you noticed how aggressive autocorrect has gotten lately? It's like having a tiny, judgmental English teacher living in your pocket. The other day, I tried texting my friend, "Hey, wanna grab lunch?" Autocorrect changed it to, "Hey, wanna grab lungs?" Now my friend thinks I'm either a serial killer or really into organ trafficking. Either way, lunch plans canceled.

And dating apps—oh man, dating apps. They're basically just online shopping for humans, aren't they? Swipe left, swipe right, add to cart, proceed to checkout. But the worst part is the bios. Everyone's "adventurous," everyone "loves to travel," and everyone is "looking for a partner in crime." Really? Partner in crime? I'm just looking for someone who won't judge me for eating cereal at 2 AM in my underwear. Is that too much to ask?

And have you noticed how complicated coffee orders have gotten? I was behind someone at Starbucks the other day who ordered a "venti half-caf soy latte with two pumps of vanilla, one pump of caramel, extra foam, no whip, at exactly 140 degrees." I was like, "Are you ordering coffee or launching a rocket?" Meanwhile, I'm standing there like, "Uh, can I just get a coffee-flavored coffee? Medium? Hot?"

And finally, can we talk about passwords? Every website now wants a password that's at least 12 characters, with uppercase letters, lowercase letters, numbers, symbols, hieroglyphics, and your mother's maiden name. And then they have the nerve to ask, "Would you like us to remember this password?" Yes, please, because I certainly won't.

Alright, that's my time, folks. You've been great. Thanks for laughing—or at least pretending to!