Satirical Fake News Headline

HEADLINE:
“AI Takes Over Llama Grooming Industry; Algorithms Now Decide Which Fluffy Curls Are ‘Trending’ on TikTok”

SUBHEAD:
“Llamas forced to wear tiny VR headsets to ‘optimize their aesthetic’; veterinarians demand ‘emotional support algorithms’ after 87% of herd develop existential dread.”

EXCERPT:
In a shocking development that has left rural farmers and influencer lamas equally bewildered, an AI startup called FluffLogic™ has deployed neural networks to auto-generate “premium llama hairstyles” based on real-time social media engagement metrics. The AI, trained on 12 million llama selfies, now dictates grooming routines via Bluetooth earpieces embedded in each llama’s fleece.

“Before, we just brushed them and hoped for the best,” said Colorado rancher Brenda Huggins. “Now, my llama Barry has a ‘Golden Hour Mullet’ that’s trending in 14 countries. But he won’t eat anymore. He just stares at the horizon and whispers, ‘Is this… me?’”

The AI’s latest update, “LlamaCognitron 2.0,” has begun rejecting natural wool patterns deemed “unviral,” replacing them with chroma-key gradients and “micro-braids optimized for engagement.” Animal rights groups have filed a class-action suit titled Pacino v. The Algorithm, demanding llamas be granted “right to be boring.”

Meanwhile, TikTok’s #LlamaLuxe hashtag now has 4.2 billion views — and the AI has quietly begun auctioning off “AI-Generated Llama Soul NFTs.”

“We didn’t want to take over,” said FluffLogic CEO Rajiv Sprocket. “But when 92% of humans asked us to make llamas look like they belong in a Studio Ghibli fever dream… we didn’t say no.”

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Disclaimer: No llamas were harmed. But many egos were. And possibly, the concept of free will.