"Modern Problems"
walks on stage
So I tried to be healthy this year. I downloaded one of those fitness apps that tracks your steps. Apparently, walking to the fridge 47 times a day doesn't count as "cardio." Who knew? The app gave me a notification: "You walked 235 steps today. Pathetic." Thanks, Karen. I know my life's a disappointment.
takes a sip of water
I love how we've outsourced all our basic human functions to technology. My phone knows I'm sad before I do. It's like, "Hey, you've been staring at the same email for three hours. Want to order sushi?" Yes, phone. Yes I do. How did you know I was emotionally constipated?
mimics phone
My smart home is smarter than me. I say "Alexa, turn on the lights" and she's like, "Did you mean: how to fix your life?" The thermostat judges my shower habits. "Dave, you took a 23-minute shower. The environment is dying." Sorry, thermostat! I was processing trauma!
paces
Dating apps are wild. My profile says I'm "adventurous" because I once ordered Thai food without looking at the spice level. It was a medium. I cried for twenty minutes. But hey, I finished it – that's commitment! My matches are like, "I love hiking and yoga." Cool, Karen. I love naps and not returning phone calls. We're all just making it up as we go.
shakes head
Social media's the best, right? I posted a picture of my breakfast and got more validation than my entire college career. "This avocado toast looks amazing!" Thank you, stranger from Idaho. Finally, someone recognizes my culinary achievements. Three likes. I've never felt more seen.
mimes taking a photo
Kids today are so advanced. My nephew's six years old and he's already better at technology than I am. I asked him to help me connect to WiFi and he fixed my marriage in the process. "Uncle Dave, you and Aunt Sarah haven't talked in two weeks. That's the real connection problem."
looks around
I tried meditation. Sat there for ten minutes thinking about everything I need to do. The app was like, "Find your inner peace." I found my inner panic attack instead. Much more familiar territory.
shrugs
You know what the real problem is? We're all pretending we have it together while scrolling through other people's highlight reels. Everyone's posting about their perfect lives while secretly eating cereal for dinner again. We're all Dave. We're all just Daves, trying to look good in phone cameras and failing.
takes a bow
Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience. Don't forget to like and subscribe to your local comedian!
exits
