(Walks to the mic, adjusts the stand, takes a deep breath)
How's everyone doing tonight? Good? Good.
I need to talk about the modern grocery store experience. specifically, the self-checkout machine.
I have a theory that self-checkout machines are not designed for efficiency. They are designed for humiliation. The whole setup is an interrogation room disguised as a convenience.
You walk up, you think you're doing a good deed. You think you're saving the cashier's time. "Oh, look at me, I'm so independent. I'm so modern."
And then you scan your first item. And the machine immediately judges you.
It says, "Unexpected item in the bagging area."
There is nothing unexpected! I just put the item in the bag. It's a cantaloupe. It's the only thing in the universe. The machine is gaslighting me. It's like a toddler saying, "No, you're not holding the ball, I'm holding the ball."
And you're standing there, holding a melon, sweating, trying to prove to a plastic screen that I am not a shoplifter.
So you have to take the item out. You take it out. You put it back in. The screen says, "Unexpected item."
Now you're panicking. You start waving the barcode like you're trying to summon a spirit. You're doing the barcode dance. You're waving the cantaloupe in the air.
Finally, you have to press the "Call for Assistance" button.
This is the worst part. This is the moment you realize you are a child. You press the button, and you wait. You're just standing there with your groceries, looking like you're waiting for a bus that isn't coming.
Eventually, an attendant comes over. They have a magic key. A key that opens everything. They don't even ask what the problem is. They just type on the keypad like they're entering a secret code to defuse a bomb.
"Okay," they say. "Try it again."
They leave. I scan the melon. It works.
Why did it work? What changed? Did the machine change its mind? Did it forgive me?
I paid for the groceries. I walked out. And I realized something profound.
I spent twenty minutes of my life, standing in a grocery store, moving fruit from a belt to a bag, for free.
I just worked a job. I was an employee of the grocery store, and they didn't even give me a discount.
We are the only species on earth that willingly pays to perform labor for a corporation that hates us.
Thank you, you've been great!
(Drops mic slightly, walks off)
