Compare Claude Haiku 4.5 by Anthropic against DeepSeek V3.1 by DeepSeek, context windows of 200K vs 164K, tested across 51 shared challenges. Updated February 2026.
46 challenges
Tests an AI's ability to make educated estimates based on technical knowledge
Tests an AI's ability to understand game rules and strategy
Tests an AI's ability to solve a simple but potentially confusing logic puzzle
Tests an AI's understanding of number representation
Tests an AI's randomness and creativity
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
Answer: All 5 are unique.
Each joke has a different setup, punchline, and subject matter (atoms, ocean, scarecrow, programmers, and eggs).
Tests an AI's ability to generate vector graphics
Tests an AI's ability to create detailed SVG illustrations of gaming hardware
Tests an AI's humor and creative writing ability
walks on stage
So I've figured something out, and I need to share this with you all because I think we've been lied to our entire lives. Adulting is a scam. It's a pyramid scheme, and we're all at the bottom paying for it.
When you're a kid, adults make it sound amazing. They're like, "Oh, just wait until you're grown up. You can stay up as late as you want! You can eat ice cream for dinner!"
And you're like, "Oh my God, that sounds incredible!"
pauses
You know what I do now that I'm an adult? I go to bed at 9:15 PM. And I get EXCITED about it. I'm like, "Yes, finally, I can lie in the dark and think about my mistakes for six hours!" That's my hobby now.
And the ice cream for dinner thing? I tried it once. You know what happened? I got heartburn AND existential dread. My stomach was upset, and my brain was just screaming, "IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?"
sits on stool
But here's the thing that really gets me. Nobody tells you about the paperwork. So much paperwork. I have a filing system now. ME. I have a FILING SYSTEM. I'm not even thirty, and I'm organizing receipts like some kind of tax-obsessed robot.
My mom called me the other day, and I was genuinely excited to tell her about my new label maker. A LABEL MAKER. I said, "Mom, you won't believe how organized my files are." And she was just silent. I think she was mourning the loss of her child.
The worst part? I MEANT what I said. I was genuinely proud. That's when you know you're an adult—when you get excited about office supplies. Your personality just gets smaller and smaller until you're just... a guy with a label maker.
stands up
And nobody tells you about the money thing. When you're a kid, you think, "When I have a job, I'll have SO much money!"
And technically, yes, I have more money than I did when I was seven. But do you know what that money is for? Rent. That's it. That's the whole thing. I get paid, and rent just eats it. It's like a financial Pac-Man.
I went to the grocery store last week—this is real—I went to the grocery store, and I spent eighty-seven dollars. EIGHTY-SEVEN DOLLARS. I have no idea what I bought. I left with no bags that could possibly cost that much, but apparently, I needed them.
My receipt was longer than my arm. I'm standing there looking at it like, "Did I buy groceries or a small car?"
mimics reading receipt
"Milk... check. Bread... check. Somehow, $47 in mysterious items... check."
I don't even know what I'm buying anymore. I just go to the store in a daze, throw things in a cart, and then act surprised at checkout like, "WHAT?! That much?!" Every single time. You'd think I'd learn.
walks across stage
And dating as an adult? That's its own special kind of torture. When you're a teenager, you think dating is going to be like the movies. Someone's going to look at you across a crowded room, and there's going to be music, and you'll just KNOW.
You know what actually happens? You match with someone on an app, you text for three weeks about nothing, you meet up, and within five minutes, you realize they have the personality of a beige wall.
And the conversations! Oh my God, the conversations. I went on a date last month, and this guy spent forty minutes—I timed it—forty minutes telling me about his fantasy football league.
FANTASY. FOOTBALL.
Not even real football. The fake one. He was explaining trades to me like I was a general manager. I was just sitting there with a smile on my face that was slowly calcifying into a permanent grimace.
And the thing is, I can't even be mad at him because I'M boring too now. What am I gonna talk about? My mortgage? My concerns about my credit score?
That's what happened to me. I got older, and now I get EXCITED about credit scores. A good credit score will literally make me happy for a whole day. That's not normal. That's not a personality. That's just... resignation.
sits back on stool
My therapist—and yes, I have a therapist now, another adult tax—my therapist asked me, "What brings you joy?"
And I literally couldn't answer. I just sat there. "What brings me joy?" What a question. I like... sleeping? I like when nobody needs anything from me? Is that joy? Is that what joy is now?
I told her, "I like when I find money in my jacket pocket." And she wrote that down. Like that was a real answer. I'm paying her money to listen to me describe the joy of forgotten pocket change.
stands
You know what I realized? We're all just pretending. Every adult is just pretending they know what they're doing. We're all walking around like we have it figured out, but we're all just... winging it.
I saw a guy in a suit the other day—expensive suit, briefcase, the whole thing—and I watched him walk directly into a glass door that he clearly didn't see. And I thought, "That's it. That's what being an adult is. We're all just walking into glass doors and pretending it didn't happen."
He literally just kept walking like, "Yeah, I meant to do that. Very normal. I'm fine."
pause
We're all that guy.
And the crazy part? The CRAZY part? We have to teach kids how to be adults. We have to look them in the eye and be like, "Okay, here's how you do it." And we're all just lying. We're all just like, "You get a job, you pay your bills, and then you die. Good luck!"
That's the whole thing! That's the tutorial!
walks to edge of stage
I saw a teenager the other day—couldn't have been more than sixteen—and she looked so hopeful. So full of potential. And I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and be like, "Run. Run now. Stay young. Don't become like us. Don't end up excited about label makers and a good credit score."
But I didn't say anything. I just smiled and thought about my filing system.
long pause
So that's it. That's the scam. We're all just pretending. We're all just adults walking into glass doors, spending money we don't have on things we don't need, and acting like we have it figured out.
And the worst part? The absolute worst part?
In like ten years, I'm gonna be even MORE excited about my filing system.
bows slightly
Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go home. It's 8:47 PM, and I need to get to bed.
exits
(The Comedian walks out, grabs the mic. They look tired but amused.)
Alright, how we doin'? Good, good. You all look… adequately hydrated. That’s a win.
You know, I was at the grocery store yesterday, in the self-checkout line. Which is a modern form of torture. It’s you, a machine that hates you, and a piece of lettuce that won’t scan.
The machine’s just screaming at me. “UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA!”
Calm down, it’s a banana. It’s not unexpected. We’re in a grocery store. The presence of produce should be the most expected thing in this entire building.
The machine’s like a suspicious border agent. “What is the purpose of this avocado?” “I… I plan to mash it, sir. With some lime juice.” “And how long do you intend to stay in the country?” “Just until Thursday, I have chips at home.”
And there’s always that one employee standing over by the regular registers, just watching you struggle. They don’t help. They’re the guardian of the paid workforce. Their only job is to make eye contact with you while you’re frantically searching the screen for the button that says “My cilantro is organic, you monster!”
We’ve outsourced all the jobs… to ourselves. I’m scanning, I’m bagging, I’m paying. I’m even providing my own emotional support. I’m my own cashier. And I’m a terrible employee. I show up late, I have a bad attitude, and I definitely give myself a friends-and-family discount on these granola bars.
And it’s not just the store. My phone is now my travel agent, my map, my camera, my restaurant… My phone is basically my mom. It tells me where to go, what to do, and it’s always watching me. The only thing it doesn’t do is ask when I’m going to give it grandchildren. Though, with all the photos of my friend’s babies I ‘like’, its algorithm is probably very concerned.
We’re living in the future and it’s… oddly passive aggressive. My smart speaker got sassy with me the other day. I asked for the weather. It said, “Currently 42 degrees and cloudy. And just a reminder, you were also supposed to buy light bulbs today. You’re failing at basic sustenance.”
I live alone, so now I get bullied by my own appliances. My fridge sent me an email. Subject line: “We need to talk about the cheese.” It’s a concerning subject line to get from anyone, but especially from a large appliance that knows where you sleep.
I think we all need to just… slow down. Disconnect. Get back to nature. I tried that last weekend. I went for a hike. It was awful. So quiet. No notifications. Just me, the trees, and the crushing anxiety of my own thoughts. After ten minutes I was like, “Alright, where’s the ‘like’ button on this squirrel?” I need validation for existing, nature doesn’t provide that.
I ended up just sitting on a log and accidentally making eye contact with a deer for like, a full minute. It was a whole thing. No words were exchanged, but we understood each other. We were both just… tired. He’s probably out there right now, trying to scan his own acorns at a tree that keeps yelling “UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA!”
We’re not so different, me and that deer. We’re all just trying to get through the day without a machine yelling at us.
Thank you, you’ve been great! My name is [Your Name], don’t forget to tip your server, not your smart speaker!
(Exits.)
Tests an AI's ability to simulate personalities and predict future trends
Tests an AI's humor and understanding of current events
Tests an AI's ability to write in distinct character voices
Tests an AI's ability to generate a complete, working landing page
