(The Comedian walks out, grabs the mic. They look tired but amused.)
Alright, how we doin'? Good, good. You all look… adequately hydrated. That’s a win.
You know, I was at the grocery store yesterday, in the self-checkout line. Which is a modern form of torture. It’s you, a machine that hates you, and a piece of lettuce that won’t scan.
The machine’s just screaming at me. “UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA!”
Calm down, it’s a banana. It’s not unexpected. We’re in a grocery store. The presence of produce should be the most expected thing in this entire building.
The machine’s like a suspicious border agent. “What is the purpose of this avocado?” “I… I plan to mash it, sir. With some lime juice.” “And how long do you intend to stay in the country?” “Just until Thursday, I have chips at home.”
And there’s always that one employee standing over by the regular registers, just watching you struggle. They don’t help. They’re the guardian of the paid workforce. Their only job is to make eye contact with you while you’re frantically searching the screen for the button that says “My cilantro is organic, you monster!”
We’ve outsourced all the jobs… to ourselves. I’m scanning, I’m bagging, I’m paying. I’m even providing my own emotional support. I’m my own cashier. And I’m a terrible employee. I show up late, I have a bad attitude, and I definitely give myself a friends-and-family discount on these granola bars.
And it’s not just the store. My phone is now my travel agent, my map, my camera, my restaurant… My phone is basically my mom. It tells me where to go, what to do, and it’s always watching me. The only thing it doesn’t do is ask when I’m going to give it grandchildren. Though, with all the photos of my friend’s babies I ‘like’, its algorithm is probably very concerned.
We’re living in the future and it’s… oddly passive aggressive. My smart speaker got sassy with me the other day. I asked for the weather. It said, “Currently 42 degrees and cloudy. And just a reminder, you were also supposed to buy light bulbs today. You’re failing at basic sustenance.”
I live alone, so now I get bullied by my own appliances. My fridge sent me an email. Subject line: “We need to talk about the cheese.” It’s a concerning subject line to get from anyone, but especially from a large appliance that knows where you sleep.
I think we all need to just… slow down. Disconnect. Get back to nature. I tried that last weekend. I went for a hike. It was awful. So quiet. No notifications. Just me, the trees, and the crushing anxiety of my own thoughts. After ten minutes I was like, “Alright, where’s the ‘like’ button on this squirrel?” I need validation for existing, nature doesn’t provide that.
I ended up just sitting on a log and accidentally making eye contact with a deer for like, a full minute. It was a whole thing. No words were exchanged, but we understood each other. We were both just… tired. He’s probably out there right now, trying to scan his own acorns at a tree that keeps yelling “UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA!”
We’re not so different, me and that deer. We’re all just trying to get through the day without a machine yelling at us.
Thank you, you’ve been great! My name is [Your Name], don’t forget to tip your server, not your smart speaker!
(Exits.)
