"The Audacity of Adulthood"
[Walks to mic, adjusts it]
So I'm at that age now where my body has started negotiating with me. Not in a dramatic way. Just little passive-aggressive comments. Like I'll stand up from the couch and my knee goes "…interesting choice." Not a pain. Just a remark. Like my skeleton is filing a grievance.
And nobody warned me that being an adult is mostly just managing disappointment on a schedule. You know what my twenties were? Hope. Dreams. "I'll figure it out." You know what my thirties are? Appointments. That's it. Just a series of appointments with people who are about to tell me something I already know but in a slower voice.
I went to the doctor last month. He looks at my chart, looks at me, and goes, "So… you're just… tired?" Like he was accusing me. Yeah, man. I'm tired. I've been tired since 2019. I'm not tired like a person. I'm tired like a building. Like if my body were a structure, the foundation would be making sounds.
But here's what really gets me — the groceries. I am a grown adult with a job and I still go to the store with a plan, and I still leave with six things I didn't need and none of the things I did. Every single time. I went in for milk once and came out with a succulent, two scented candles, and a bag of shrimp I didn't even know I had until I heard it rattling in the back seat. A bag of shrimp. Just vibing in my car like it had somewhere to be.
And I think that's the real secret of adulthood that no one tells you: you never actually feel like you're doing it right. You just get better at pretending. That's the whole thing. You go from "I have no idea what I'm doing" to "I have no idea what I'm doing, but I have a calendar." That's growth. That's the upgrade. You don't get confidence. You get systems.
My friend told me the other day, "You know, you really seem like you have it together." And I almost cried. Not because it was nice — because of how wrong it was. I was wearing mismatched socks. I had a reminder on my phone that just said "eat." Not a meal. Just eat. Like a command from a desperate general.
But you know what? I think that's fine. I think the real sign you've made it as an adult isn't that you have it together. It's that you've accepted you never will — and you keep showing up anyway. With your mismatched socks. And your shrimp.
[Beat]
The shrimp was actually pretty good, though.
[Steps back from mic]
Approximate runtime: 2:50–3:10 depending on delivery and pauses.
