(Lights up on a stage. Comedian walks to center, adjusts mic, smiles warmly.)
"Alright, alright, settle down you crazy people! Thanks for having me. (Pause fo
r applause/laughter)
You know, I was scrolling through Instagram earlier, and it's just a constant ba
rrage of people 'living thei
r best life,' isn't it? Someone's always 'grateful' for their 'morning yoga with
a sunrise view' while simultaneously 'crushing their kale smoothie.' And you're
just sitting there, in sweatpants, wondering if that kale smoothie would pair w
ell with a donut. Because my best life looks suspiciously like their worst han
gover.
And don't even get me started on autocorrect. It's like my phone has a personal
vendetta against my dignity.
I was trying to text my mom I was 'coming home' and it changed to 'I'm culmina
ting home.' Like I'm some sort of obscure vegetable reaching its peak season. "
Look Mom, I'm fully ripe! Eat me!"
(Pause for laughter)
Or trying to apologize for being late to a friend: 'Sorry, running a few minutes
behind.' Autocorrect: 'Sorr
y, running a few minutes behind schedule, you pathetic loser! (Mimes looking a
t phone with horror) My phone is a cyberbully! I swear, one day it's gonna corre
ct 'I love you' to 'I love gravy' and my relationship is just over.
(Pause)
And speaking of technology that actively hates us – who designed the self-checko
ut machines? Every time I us
e one, it's like a passive-aggressive game of 'guess the weight.' I bought one a
pple. ONE. And it screams, in that robotic voice, 'UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AR
EA!' Sir, madam, it's an apple. My only item! Did you expect a pet hamster? A
small, highly trained squirrel?
Then you have to wait for the teenager with the thousand-yard stare to come over
and clear the ghost item. T
hey always look like you just woke them up from a nap in a parallel dimension wh
ere self-checkout never existed. And they just slowly press the button, no eye c
ontact, like they're performing ancient magic. "Behold, the Bagging Area is clea
r... for now, mortal."
(Pause, slightly exasperated face)
It makes you wonder, doesn't it? We're all supposed to be these highly functioni
ng adults, navigating the di
gital age, being productive members of society... but honestly, most days I feel
like I'm just an overgrown toddler trying to assemble IKEA furniture using only
a fork and the power of positive thinking.
And then I still go back to Instagram and share a picture of my perfectly assemb
led – but wobbly – IKEA tabl
e, captioning it: 'So blessed. So grateful.'
(Smile, gesture to audience)
You've been a great crowd! Thank you so much! I'm [Your Name], good night!"
(Walks off stage to applause)
