Good to be here. I tried getting healthy, so I bought a smartwatch. Now my wrist is my manager. It vibrates every hour like, “Stand up.” I’m on a crowded bus like, “I’m standing inside three other people right now. Do you want me to levitate?”
It reminds me to breathe. Thanks, watch. Incredible tip. What did you think I was doing? Freestyle apnea?
The step goal is the worst. At 11:58 PM I’m power-walking around my kitchen island with the dignity of a Roomba that saw a ghost. I tried to cheat by shaking my wrist and the watch was like, “Nice try, tambourine.”
I downloaded a meditation app. The voice is so soothing it sounds like it’s trying to sell me a river. “Notice your thoughts… let them drift.” My thoughts don’t drift. They hover in the corner like a ceiling spider waiting for me to blink.
I went to the grocery store, because if you’re healthy you have to buy vegetables publicly, with witnesses. I used self-checkout, which is basically a relationship where the machine thinks you’re always lying.
“Please place item in the bagging area.”
“I did.”
“I didn’t feel it.”
“I literally put it in the bag.”
“Unexpected item in the bagging area.”
Are you saying I surprised you with a banana?
Then the attendant shows up with that magic key. One tap and suddenly all my sins are forgiven. I swear that key could open Narnia.
I can’t remember birthdays, but I know bananas are 4011. If I’m ever kidnapped, the only clue the police will have is me whispering, “Bananas are 4011,” into a duct-taped phone.
They ask if I want to buy a bag for five cents. I always say no, like a hero, and then try to carry groceries with the confidence of a circus juggler. There goes an avocado rolling under the Red Bull display like it’s making a break for it.
Back home, every website greets me with a pop-up: “We value your privacy. Can we track you forever?” The choices are Accept All, Manage Preferences, or Become a Hermit. I clicked Manage Preferences once and it turned into an airplane cockpit. “Do you consent to analytics, personalization, and mild surveillance?” Mild surveillance sounds like a candle scent. “Mmm… notes of cedar and someone standing two houses away.”
I joined a group chat. A group chat is where plans go to die. Twelve people trying to pick a restaurant and we end up scheduling brunch for 2027. If you miss one hour, there are 135 messages. You scroll up like an archaeologist: “At layer three we discover a meme. It appears to be a dog in sunglasses. Society was complex.”
My mom texts with an ellipsis after everything. “Call me…” That’s not a message, that’s a trailer. She also sends voice notes from the kitchen: “Hi honey sizzle sizzle it’s not urgent sizzle sizzle call me when you can sizzle sizzle.” My phone smells like onions.
I took a beginner workout class. The instructor had a headset and the energy of a golden retriever on espresso. “How are we feeling!” Ma’am, I can see my ancestors. At minute twelve she goes, “This is the warm-up.” My smartwatch tried to call an ambulance because my heart thought it saw a bear.
By the end of the day, everything in my life is barking orders. The watch says, “Stand.” The app says, “Breathe.” The website says, “Accept cookies.” The self-checkout says, “Unexpected item.” The group chat says, “Are you coming?” And I’m just in my kitchen doing desperate laps with a bag of kale yelling, “I’m trying!”
I don’t want to be optimized. I want to be treated like a houseplant. Give me water, put me near a window, and once a week tell me I’m doing a great job. If I start drooping, don’t judge me—just rotate me. Thanks, everybody.
