Alright, alright, settle down you magnificent collection of human beings! You look good tonight. Not just good, but… like you've all collectively decided to nail the 'I'm here to laugh and avoid talking about my Monday' look. And I respect that.
Seriously though, it's great to be back on stage. I'm living the dream. The dream where I stand under a hot light, tell jokes, and then pray to whatever cosmic entity oversees snack food that someone buys me a churro afterwards. It's a very specific dream.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about the little things lately. Like how we, as a society, have completely lost the art of the proper grocery store queue. Remember when it was an orderly, efficient process? Now it's like a Thunderdome of trolley carts and self-scanning existential dread.
I was at the supermarket the other day, and this woman in front of me had a full-blown argument with the self-checkout machine. Not a quiet, muttering argument, but a shouting match. "I scanned you! You know I scanned you! This is manipulation, Fresh Goods 4000! You're just trying to make me feel inadequate!"
And I'm just standing there, awkwardly holding my single bag of crisps, wondering if I should intervene, like, "Ma'am, perhaps it's time to accept the machine's judgment. It saw what you did with that avocado."
And don't even get me started on the phenomenon of unsolicited life advice. Everywhere I go, someone's got a hot take on how I should live my life. I was at the gym yesterday – yes, I go to the gym, briefly, for moral support – and this guy comes up to me in the middle of a set. He's like, "You know, you're not really getting the full benefit from that curl. You need to keep your elbows tucked in more, and really focus on the eccentric movement."
And I'm just thinking, "Sir, I'm pretty sure the full benefit for me is just not face-planting on the floor. My eccentric movement is my natural state, just trying to lift this ridiculously heavy five-pound weight." Honestly, the only advice I want at the gym is, "Are you done with that water fountain?"
And then there's the internet. Oh, the internet. It's a magical place, isn't it? Where you can learn anything, connect with anyone, and also find out that someone on TikTok believes their cat is receiving messages from outer space via interpretive dance. And then you spend twenty minutes watching it. Don't judge. It was compelling.
But my favorite internet phenomenon is the comments section. It's where optimism goes to die. You could post a video of a puppy saving a baby deer from a burning building, and someone would comment, "Probably staged. And that puppy's form is terrible. Also, why wasn't there a fire extinguisher?"
It's like people have forgotten how to just… enjoy things. My goal in life now is just to find joy in small, uncomplicated moments. Like when the Wi-Fi actually connects on the first try. Or when I remember where I put my keys before I have to leave the house. These are my victories.
So thank you tonight for being here, for sharing these small joys and absurdities with me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I hear the distant siren song of a churro cart, and my dream is calling. You've been a wonderful audience! Thank you!
