3-Minute Stand-Up Comedy Routine (No Puns!)
Eric's Stage Entrance:
(Wearing a jersey-sweatshirt combo while clutching a cup of instant coffee)
Opening:
Alright, admit it—ever tried talking to tech support in Hindi? I did, once. The woman on the line asked, "What's the issue, sir?" I said, "The line is delayed, like a stalker of my call waiting." She said, "Mr. Burrows, hold while I transfer you…" and then conjugated every form of the verb "wait" in Hindi. I was still waiting when I sold my router on eBay.
Dating Apps:
Speaking of waiting, dates now start on apps where, "We found you!" like we're shoppers at a lost dog shelter. And honestly, relax. No entitlement to happiness through an algorithm. But then DMs hit… "Greetings, my name is Ronaldo. Passport, job, Tinder premium." Not even a "Hi, how're you?"—starts with his résumé. Talk about overqualified.
Parenting Moment:
Kids are philosophers now. My niece asked me once, "Why do grown-ups say 'Put that down,' but then say 'Look at this magazine?'" And I was like, "Ah, adult hypocrisy is complicated." She responded, "Oh, so it's okay if I copy Dad's TikTok swiping?" Uh-oh, frickin' Nietzsche in a dinosaur onesie.
Post-Workout Hustle:
Ever seen the new "plank squad" at your gym? These are people who do planks so hard they forget to lift their faces… and accidentally their dry-erase boards read, "Meet the Joneses—Zoom backdrop only." Meanwhile, some plank in sweatsuits go drive-thru, order coffee, and bark, "I'll take a 32 oz Almighty Latte… and a quarter of a kale salad as a 'therapeutic exchange,' thanks!"
Grocery Horror:
Self-checkouts are the new therapists. You do this inventory: "Was this taxed? Does the receipt deserve a trophy? Do I feel accomplished?" And then some Karen's like, "Oh no, it won't scan! Maybe… pray to the iPhone gods?" Suddenly, you're narrating the bagging process like a 90s MTV vlogger: "Okay, let's nestle the constrictions—uh, cucumbers—gently in the basket. Let me just add drama to my leftovers."
Dining Delight:
Restaurants now train waiters to yell, "Who's with this lookin'-like-a-corpse patient?! Suppaaa, losers! Time to share tables!" So you're sipping your $12 kale smoothie next to someone whose meatloaf got a restraining order. I bet 90% of conversations start, "Welp, our life choices led us here." Dinner now feels like a support group for people who hate napkins.
Closing with a Callback:
And the kicker? Just came back from my parent's Thanksgiving—Mom's like, "Why're you here, Eric? The mailman had issues with my candles." Dad? Mute in a headset, screaming at a chat monitor screen. I popped in, said, "Relax, you've survived Christmas on diet meds before." Dad: "Wait, we did the drugs?" Mom: "You're grounded, Eric." (Pause) Okay, thanks, everybody. If you liked it… keep it open. If not… plank it.
(Emergency water chug and exit while holding a crumpled receipt like a trophy.)
This routine cycles through relatable scenarios, uses character-driven humor, and leans on absurd situations to land laughs withoutwordplay. Timing and facial expressions during the parentheticals would add extra punch!
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