[Stand-Up Routine: "The Absurdity of Normal"]
[Walks on stage, waves. Mimics checking phone immediately.]
Hey everyone! Great to be here—assuming this is real and not just another Zoom waiting room I accidentally joined. [Pause.] Raise your hand if you've ever walked into a room, forgotten why you were there, and immediately blamed your phone? [Waits.] Of course you didn't raise your hand—your phone is too busy recording this moment to upload to your "Story" later.
We've all become like toddlers with smartphones. I tried having a deep conversation with mine last week. I said, "Hey, do you love me?" It responded, "I heart you too!" Then autocorrect changed it to "I here you too," which… accurate.
Social media's another trip. Everyone's life is so curated. My Instagram feed is all brunch pics and mountain sunsets. Meanwhile, my reality? I spilled coffee on a tax document this morning, then cried-laughed watching a raccoon fight a pizza box on TikTok. But hey, at least my profile says "Living my best life"—which is technically true, unless you count the part where I'm dying inside.
Dating apps? Forget about it. You ever read a guy's bio that says, "I love adventures and pineapple on pizza"? Great. So you're chaotic and have bad taste. Let's not pretend that's a personality. Swipe left, Karen.
And parents—bless their hearts. My mom texts me "LOL" but pronounces it "loll." Last week she wrote, "Your cousin's wedding was so fun! Loll!" I'm like, "Ma, that's not what it means." She replied, "Well, it should mean that. It's nicer than your other aunt's face."
We're all just faking it, right? I tried being "present" last weekend. Sat at a park, no phone. Lasted six minutes before I panicked and Googled "Why is the sky blue?"—not because I cared, but just to feel something. The Wi-Fi at the park was spotty, so I cried.
Even our small talk's a lie. Someone says, "How are you?" and we say, "Good!" when we're all just one lukewarm meal away from a breakdown. Last week I told a barista, "I'm surviving," and she said, "Amen," like we were at church. We tipped each other with napkins and left.
But hey, we're 8 billion people on this rock, all scrolling through the same 10 cat videos, pretending we're not collectively losing our minds. So next time you see someone laughing alone at their screen? Wave. They're either insane… or just found out raccoons can open pizza boxes. Either way—relatable.
[Exits stage left, immediately checks phone.]
