Generate a Stand-Up Routine

Here's a 3-minute stand-up routine:

Hey everyone! You know what's weird? How we all pretend we know what we're doing as adults. Like, I was at the grocery store the other day, standing in the produce section, just staring at avocados like I have any idea how to tell if they're ripe. Everyone does this little ritual where they squeeze them gently, nod thoughtfully, like "Ah yes, this one's telling me secrets." But we're all just guessing! I've bought exactly two types of avocados in my life: rocks and brown mush. There's no in-between.

And don't get me started on buying wine. I love watching people in wine shops, especially the ones trying to look sophisticated. They'll pick up a bottle, examine the label like they're solving a murder mystery. "Hmm, yes, notes of oak and... [squints at label] ...Mendoza region..." Meanwhile, my entire wine selection process is: "Ooh, pretty label! And it's on sale!" I once bought a wine because it had a cute dog on the label. Turned out to be terrible, but you know what? I deserved that. That's what I get for trusting a marketing team that thought, "You know what sells wine? Golden retrievers."

Speaking of pretending to be adults, can we talk about office small talk? Every Monday morning, it's the same conversation. "How was your weekend?" "Good, yours?" "Good." That's it. That's the whole thing. We're all living the same lie. Nobody's weekend was just "good." It was either "I binged an entire series in my pajamas and now I'm questioning all my life choices" or "I tried to assemble IKEA furniture and almost ended my marriage." But no, we stick to "good." Because Karen from accounting doesn't need to know that you spent Sunday googling "why does my houseplant hate me?"

And don't even get me started on trying to schedule anything with friends once you're over 30. It's like trying to coordinate a military operation. You send out a group text suggesting dinner, and suddenly everyone's checking three different calendars. "Let me see... I can do the third Thursday of next month, between 6:43 and 8:17 PM, but only if Mercury isn't in retrograde and my dog's yoga class gets cancelled." Remember when we were younger and could just say "Want to hang out?" and it would just... happen? Now I have to file a request in triplicate just to get coffee with someone.

But hey, at least we're all in this together, pretending we've got it figured out. And if anyone tells you they actually do have it figured out, they're either lying or they're trying to sell you something. Probably both.

Thank you, you've been great!