"ADULTING IS A SCAM"

[Walking on stage]

So I turned 35 last month, and I've realized something important: adulting is a scam. It's a pyramid scheme, and our parents are the ones who recruited us.

You know what nobody tells you about being an adult? How much TIME you spend just... waiting for repair people. I've spent more hours of my life waiting for the cable guy than I spent getting my college degree. And it's always a "window" – they'll be there between 8 AM and 4 PM. Oh great, thanks! I'll just put my entire life on hold. That's only eight hours. That's just a full work day of staring out my window like a dog whose owner left for groceries.

[pause]

And they NEVER come at the beginning of the window. Never. You KNOW they're coming at 3:58 PM. But can you leave? No! Because the ONE time you go to the bathroom, that's when they'll knock, wait 0.3 seconds, slap a "Sorry we missed you" sticker on your door, and vanish like a ninja.

[gesturing]

Speaking of things nobody prepared us for – does anyone else feel personally attacked by how often you have to buy toilet paper? I swear I just bought toilet paper. Where does it GO? I live alone! I'm not eating it! But every week I'm at Costco, loading up another 48-roll pack like I'm prepping for the apocalypse. And you can't just buy a LITTLE toilet paper. That's not an option society gives you. It's either 48 rolls or one sad single roll at a gas station that costs $7 and feels like sandpaper.

[shaking head]

But here's what really gets me about being an adult: insurance. Home insurance, car insurance, health insurance, life insurance, phone insurance, TRAVEL insurance. At what point did we all just accept that we're living in a protection racket?

I got a letter from my health insurance last week – you know those ones that say "This is not a bill"? Yeah, those. Why do they send those?! It's just a letter to give me a heart attack, which I then can't afford to treat because of my deductible. It says, "We paid $340 for your recent doctor's visit." My doctor's visit was 11 minutes long. I've had meaningful relationships that lasted shorter than that, but at least they didn't cost $340.

[mimicking reading]

And it's always in that confusing insurance language: "Amount charged: $1,200. Negotiated rate: $340. You owe: $150. Amount we paid: $190. Good luck understanding any of this: priceless."

[shifting topics]

You know what else is a scam? Recipes online. You can't just GET a recipe anymore. Oh no. You have to scroll through someone's entire life story first.

[mimicking typing and scrolling]

"How to Make Toast. Well, let me tell you about the first time I had toast. It was a crisp autumn morning in Tuscany, 1987. My grandmother, who was one-quarter Italian and three-quarters passive-aggressive, used to say..."

JUST TELL ME HOW LONG TO PUT THE BREAD IN THE TOASTER, JENNIFER.

[building up]

There's 47 photos of the same piece of toast from different angles. Toast at sunrise. Toast with a rustic napkin. Toast held by someone's hand with perfect nails. It's TOAST! You put bread in a toaster! This doesn't require a documentary!

[calming down]

But the real sign I've become an adult? I get excited about kitchen appliances now. I bought a new sponge last week, and I was GENUINELY thrilled about it. I called my friend. "Dude, this sponge has a scrubby side AND a soft side!"

Twenty years ago I was sneaking into clubs with a fake ID. Now I'm bragging about sponge technology.

[reflective]

My parents always said, "Just wait until you're an adult, you can do whatever you want!" You know what I do with my freedom? I eat cereal for dinner and feel guilty about it. That's my rebellion now. Sometimes I have ice cream before the cereal, and I feel like I'm getting away with murder.

[final thought]

But I guess that's being an adult. It's just being tired all the time, waiting for repair people, buying toilet paper in bulk, and getting excited about organizational containers from Target.

The dream is dead, folks. But hey – at least we can have ice cream for dinner.

[wave and exit]

Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience! Good night!