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Stand-Up Comedy Routine: "Modern Life is a Joke (But Not the Pun Kind)"

[Opening with confident energy]
Hey, how’s everyone doing? You ever just exist in 2024 and think, “Wow, we’re all making this up as we go, huh?” Like, dating apps? Let’s start there. Swiping through people like we’re browsing Netflix for a horror movie we’ll regret later.

[Pacing, mock-serious tone]
And why do all dating profiles look the same? “I like hiking, tacos, and my dog.” Wow. You’re a human being, not a “Live, Laugh, Love” poster. And why do guys always hold fish in their photos? Is this Tinder or Animal Planet? “Swipe right if you want someone who smells like bass and bad decisions.”

[Lean in, conspiratorial]
And bios! “Looking for someone who doesn’t take life too seriously.” Translation: “I will forget your birthday and borrow money.” Once saw a bio that said, “Fluent in sarcasm.” Oh, cool, so you’re… everyone’s ex.

[Shift to social media bit]
Speaking of red flags, let’s talk Instagram. Nothing’s real there. You ever see those “candid” shots? “Oh, this? I just woke up like this.” Bulls--t. You posed for 20 minutes while your friend yelled, “Look like you’re having fun but also dead inside!” That’s the vibe.

[Mocking pose]
And the “perfect” lives? “Here’s my avocado toast in Bali!” Meanwhile, I’m in sweatpants eating cereal from the box, watching your stories like, “Teach me your ways, wizard.”

[Pause, then upbeat]
But hey, at least we’re all failing together. Ever get sucked into a 2 a.m. TikTok spiral? You start watching DIY crafts, then it’s conspiracy theories about birds, and suddenly you’re learning to yodel. At dawn. Your neighbors hate you, but hey, you’re TikTok famous in Slovenia.

[Transition to adulting]
And can we talk about “adulting”? Laundry is my nemesis. I swear, clothes multiply like gremlins. You do one load, and suddenly there’s a sock cult in the hamper. And groceries? Every week I buy spinach like, “This time I’ll be healthy.” Spoiler: It liquefies in the fridge while I UberEats McDonald’s.

[Exaggerated despair]
Don’t even get me started on LinkedIn. It’s just Facebook in a tie. “I’m excited to announce I’ll be breathing air in Q2!” And why do people post, “Open to work” like it’s a dating status? “Looking for someone who can handle my Excel skills and crippling self-doubt.”

[Wrap-up, upbeat]
But honestly, life’s chaos is what makes it fun. We’re all out here winging it, swiping right, burning toast, and pretending we know how to fold a fitted sheet. So here’s to us—the generation that turned surviving into a spectator sport.

[Closing grin]
And if you’re single, hit me up. My bio says, “Will love you more than my plant… which is dead.” Mic drop.

[End on a wink, exit stage.]

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Note: Adjust delivery for timing—keep punchlines snappy, milk reactions, and vibe with the crowd. No puns, just relatable absurdity. 🎤✨