Generate a Stand-Up Routine

Sure! Here's a 3-minute stand-up comedy routine that avoids puns and focuses on relatable observations and storytelling:

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"Hey, how’s everyone doing tonight? Good? Great. Let’s talk about airports. Airports are like the DMV, but with luggage. You’re standing in line forever, surrounded by people who clearly didn’t get the memo about personal space. And why is it that the person in front of you always waits until after boarding starts to start packing their entire life into their carry-on? Like, sir, you’ve had three hours. What were you doing? Knitting a sweater?

And TSA—those guys are the unsung heroes of chaos. They’re like, 'Take off your shoes, belt, jacket, dignity.' And then they pat you down like you’re a suspect in a crime you didn’t even commit. Meanwhile, the guy next to you is walking through the metal detector with a pocket knife and a bottle of water, and they’re like, 'Have a great flight!'

Speaking of flights, why do airlines act like they’re doing you a favor by letting you sit in a chair? 'Oh, you want a window seat? That’ll be $50 extra.' Fifty bucks? For what? The privilege of staring at a wing for three hours? And don’t even get me started on the snacks. You get a bag of pretzels the size of a quarter and a cup of water that’s basically just humidity. Meanwhile, first class is over there eating steak and drinking champagne. What are they, astronauts?

Let’s talk about hotels. Hotels are weird. You walk in, and there’s always that weird smell. It’s like a mix of cleaning products and despair. And the beds—why are hotel beds so comfortable? Like, honestly, I sleep better in a hotel than I do in my own bed. What’s that about? Am I just bad at adulting? Because I have a mattress at home. I bought it. It wasn’t cheap. But somehow, hotel beds are like sleeping on a cloud made of marshmallows. Meanwhile, my bed at home feels like I’m sleeping on a pile of regrets and unpaid bills.

And the mini bar—who’s actually paying $8 for a Snickers? That’s not a snack; that’s a mortgage payment. I’m not spending $8 on a candy bar unless it comes with a complimentary life coach. 'Here’s your Snickers, sir. And here’s someone to help you figure out why you’re eating Snickers at 2 a.m.'

Finally, let’s talk about vacations. You spend months planning, saving, and dreaming about this perfect getaway. And then you get there, and it’s like, 'Oh, wow, this is... hot.' Or rainy. Or overcrowded. And you’re like, 'Did I just spend $2,000 to sweat in a place I could’ve Googled?' But you can’t complain because you’re on vacation. You’re supposed to be happy. So you smile, take a selfie, and post it with the caption, 'Living my best life!' Meanwhile, you’re internally debating whether you should’ve just stayed home and ordered DoorDash.

Anyway, thanks for laughing—or at least pretending to. You’re all great. Have a fantastic night!"

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This routine keeps it light, relatable, and avoids puns while focusing on everyday experiences that resonate with audiences.