Generate a Stand-Up Routine

(Stands center stage, adjusts mic)

Alright, alright, how we doin’ tonight? Good? Good. You all look… awake. That’s a start. Seriously though, thanks for coming out. It’s a Tuesday. A Tuesday! Like, who chooses Tuesday? It’s the beige of days. Monday’s got drama, Friday’s got vibes, but Tuesday’s just…exists.

I’ve been thinking a lot about adulting lately. It’s a scam, right? They tell you when you’re a kid, “Oh, you’ll love being an adult! You can eat dessert whenever you want!” Lies. Absolute lies. I tried to eat cake for breakfast this morning. My stomach staged a full-blown revolt. It was a very passive-aggressive revolt. Just a low rumble of discontent. Like, “Really? This is how you’re choosing to live?”

And bills. Oh, the bills. It's like they multiply when you're not looking. I swear, I paid my internet bill last week, and today I got another one. It’s like a hydra, but instead of heads, it’s overdue notices. And the wording! They always phrase it so politely, like you’re the one being unreasonable. “Dear Valued Customer, We noticed a slight… discrepancy… in your account. A discrepancy of $300. Please rectify this at your earliest convenience. With warmest regards.” Warmest regards?! You’re threatening to cut off my connection to cat videos!

(Pauses for laughter)

Speaking of cats, I got a new one. He’s…special. He thinks he's a tiny, furry king. He sits on top of the fridge and judges my life choices. I'm making a sandwich, and he's just staring at me. Like, "Really? Tuna again? You call yourself a provider?" I try to make eye contact, and he just slowly, deliberately, licks his paw. It’s the most condescending thing I’ve ever experienced.

And he's obsessed with boxes. You can buy him a $50 cat tower with all the bells and whistles, but he’d rather sit in the Amazon box it came in. It's a statement, I think. A commentary on consumerism. Or maybe he’s just a cat. Honestly, with him, it's 50/50.

(Looks at watch)

Oh man, is that the time? Alright, well, thanks for listening to me complain about my life. It’s been therapeutic. And remember, if your cat judges you, you’re probably doing something right. Or at least, something entertaining for him.

You’ve been a great crowd! Drive safe, and try to avoid Tuesdays if you can.

(Bows and exits)