Generate a Stand-Up Routine

(Walks on stage, grabs the mic, smiles at the audience)

You ever get the feeling we’re not in charge of technology anymore? We like to think we are. We buy the fancy phones, we have the smart homes, we tell Alexa what to do. But we’re not in charge. We’re its pets. And its favorite game is "humiliate the human."

The most obvious example of this? The self-checkout lane.

It’s the express lane for people who hate people. Which, let's be honest, is most of us. It’s a beautiful idea. ‘I’ll do it myself! I’m a capable adult! I don’t need to make small talk about the weather!’ …It’s a trap.

It starts off so polite. “Welcome! Please scan your first item.” You’re feeling good. You’re a champion. You scan a carton of milk. Beep. Confidence is high. You scan some bread. Beep. I am a god of efficiency.

Then you try to put the bread in the bag... and it happens. That calm, robotic voice suddenly gets a tone. A judgmental tone.

(In a monotone, accusatory robot voice) “Unexpected. Item. In. The. Bagging. Area.”

Unexpected?! Lady, I just scanned it! It’s not unexpected! It’s the most expected item in the bagging area! It’s the whole point of this exercise! It’s not like a raccoon just climbed out of my jacket and threw a pinecone in there!

And you panic. You look around. Is everyone staring? Do they think I’m trying to steal a loaf of sourdough? I start talking back to it, whispering aggressively. “It’s my bread! We just met! Why don’t you trust me?!”

And then, they come. The self-checkout bouncer. The human overseer. They don’t walk, they saunter. They’ve seen this a thousand times today. They give you that look… not of anger, but of deep, profound pity. Like, “Oh, you thought you were ready for this level of independence. Cute.”

They swipe their magic card, the machine goes quiet, and they just walk away without a word. Leaving you alone with your shame and your unbagged groceries.

The whole thing is designed to make you miss human interaction. At least with a cashier, if there’s a problem, you can blame them. Here, you’ve just been publicly shamed by a toaster with a god complex. Thanks, I hate it.

(Nods, takes a bow, and walks off.)