Generate a Stand-Up Routine

Hey everyone! Great to be here. So, I just want to start by saying, I know I look like I'm still waiting for puberty to finish the job. Like, my barber always asks if my mom's okay with the haircut.

I'm at that age where the real milestone isn't getting married or buying a house — it's figuring out how to sleep without injuring myself. Like last week, I woke up with a cramp in my neck and somehow a pulled hamstring. My best guess? I was doing CrossFit in my dreams.

You ever realize adulthood is just Googling things your parents seemed to magically know? Like, my dad could build a bookshelf from scratch — I Google "how to boil water" and still check the comment section for tips. And people say, "Oh, you just follow your instincts!" Well, my instincts say Taco Bell is good food and that you can fix electronics by swearing at them. So, maybe not.

Now, some people say technology makes life easier, but honestly, I think my phone exists just to judge me. The "screen time" notification pops up every Sunday? "You averaged seven hours of screen time a day." Seven hours?! What am I — a bat? Am I just hanging upside down scrolling memes all night?

And when did every app become a subscription? Like, I can't even sneeze anymore without being asked if I want to upgrade to Sneeze Premium. "For just $4.99 a month, we'll throw in a tissue and reduce your ads by 20%."

Dating apps, too. When did dating go from meeting someone at a bar to doing a full marketing campaign on yourself? Bios are like: "I love adventure, I'm a foodie, and I really value authenticity." But you meet them and it's just, "So, uh, do you want to split this mozzarella stick?"

You ever notice no one drinks just water anymore? Everyone's drinking some special water — "This is glacier water, harvested by monks." I drink tap water and people act like I'm taking shots of bleach. "Are you okay? Did you lose a bet?"

And the gym — oh man, people at the gym are either training for the Olympics or just using the massage chairs for three hours. There's no in-between. I tried a Zumba class once. "It'll be fun!" they said. Forty-five minutes in, I'm sweating out things I ate in 2017. Pretty sure I cried out a Skittle.

Anyway, you've all been great. Remember: drink your monk water and don't trust your phone. Have a good night!