Generate a Stand-Up Routine

Here’s a tight, two‑to‑three‑minute stand‑up bit without puns:

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So I’ve been trying to “work on myself,” which apparently means drinking more water and pretending that counts as personality growth. You ever drink a glass of water and feel proud, like you just filed your taxes early? I’ll chug half a bottle and immediately think, Wow… I bet my ancestors are impressed. Meanwhile my skin is like, “Nice try, but we both know you slept four hours and ate nachos in the dark.”

I tried meditation too. All the apps are like, “Let your thoughts drift away.” Drift where? My thoughts don’t drift. They latch on and emotionally blackmail me. The moment it gets quiet, my brain goes, “Hey, remember that one embarrassing thing from twelve years ago?” And I’m like, “I came here to relax, not attend a surprise shame parade.”

Dating’s no easier. I went on a date with someone who said, “I’m very emotionally available,” and then spent the entire dinner explaining why they don’t believe in chairs. Not in a metaphorical way—like literally they think chairs are a government distraction. I don’t even know what that means. What conspiracy theory ends with, “Wake up, sheeple, you're sitting wrong”?

And I can’t do modern flirting. It’s all emojis now. You send one wrong emoji and suddenly you’re a psychopath. Heart emoji? Too strong. Thumbs-up? Too cold. Fire emoji? Apparently that means something entirely different after midnight. There needs to be an emoji that says, “I think you’re cool, please don’t read into this, I’m just socially anxious.”

I tried therapy again after that. Therapy is great, but there’s always that moment when your therapist asks a question so deep you’re like, “You know what? I take it back. I’m not ready to grow.” They’ll ask something simple like, “How do you handle conflict?” and my soul just leaves my body like, “We don’t.”

But hey, I’m improving… slowly. I drink water. I meditate badly. I avoid dating theorists. That counts. My therapist says I’m making progress, and I choose to believe her because that’s literally her job.

Thanks, you’ve been great. I’m gonna go drink some water and pretend it makes me wise.