Generate a Stand-Up Routine

[Spotlight comes up. The comic walks to the mic, glances at the audience, and smiles.]

Comic: Hey, everyone—great to be here. I just got off a Zoom call that was supposed to be a “quick sync,” which in corporate speak means “we’ll spend three hours arguing about who gets to use the same PowerPoint template.” I’m convinced the word “sync” is short for “synchronizing our collective misery.”

[Pause for laugh.]

Speaking of misery, I moved into a new apartment last month. The landlord told me the place had “character.” Yeah, the kind of character that screams, “I’ve never heard of a plumber in the last decade.” The faucet drips on a rhythm that could be a metronome for a sleep‑deprived toddler. I’m not saying it’s bad, but I’ve started timing my showers to the drip. Six minutes, two seconds—if I go any longer, the building’s water bill looks like a small country’s GDP.

[Audience chuckles.]

And the neighbors! My upstairs neighbor is a yoga instructor. You know the type—every morning at 6 a.m., the floor vibrates like a cheap subwoofer. I’m convinced she’s trying to align her chakras with the building’s structural integrity. I tried to be polite and asked, “Hey, could you maybe do the downward dog a little later?” She replied, “I’m sorry, I’m on a schedule.” I’m not sure if she meant a class schedule or a schedule for how many times I’ll have to pretend to be a human pillow for her dog.

[Pause.]

Now, I’ve been trying to eat healthier. The other day I bought a “kale smoothie.” The label promised “nutrient‑dense, antioxidant‑rich, life‑changing.” I drank it and felt more like I’d just swallowed a lawnmower. I’m not saying it was bad, but the only thing that got a boost was my ability to identify the exact moment my stomach decided to file a formal complaint.

[Audience laughs.]

Technology is another thing. I tried using a voice‑assistant to set a reminder: “Remind me to call Mom at 5 p.m.” It responded, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.” So I repeated, “Remind me to call Mom at 5 p.m.” And it answered, “Here’s a recipe for mushroom risotto.” I’m beginning to suspect my house is turning into a culinary school. At this point, I’m more likely to get a reminder to water my plants than to remember my own birthday.

[Pause.]

Dating apps—anyone here still using them? The profile pictures are all “adventure shots.” You never see a guy holding a pizza, you always see a guy climbing a mountain. I matched with a girl whose bio said, “Looking for someone who can keep up.” I replied, “I can keep up… with the Netflix queue.” She ghosted me. I think the algorithm is broken; it matched us because we both love “outdoor activities.” My idea of outdoor activity is “walking from the couch to the fridge and back.”

[Audience laughs.]

All right, I’m going to leave you with this: life is like a Wi‑Fi signal. You spend a lot of time looking for a stronger connection, but sometimes the best thing you can do is just stay where you are and enjoy the occasional drop—because it reminds you that you’re still, somehow, connected.

[Smile, wave.] Thanks, everybody—have a great night!