Generate a Stand-Up Routine

[Walks onto the stage, waves, smiles]

Hey folks, great to see you all tonight. You know, I was driving this morning, and I realized something: my GPS is basically a motivational speaker. “In 300 feet, turn left.” “You’re almost there.” I swear, if my GPS could talk, it’d be like, “Okay, you’re going to miss your coffee. Let’s talk about your life choices.”

So I got off at a coffee shop. The barista asked me, “What would you like?” I said, “Anything with a little extra bitterness.” She gave me an espresso shot. I stared at it and thought, “Is this the new ‘self‑help’ foam art?”

You ever notice how people say, “It’s not a big deal.” And then the next day, you’re in the ER with a broken arm and the nurse says, “It’s fine, just a bruise.” I’ve never had a bruise this dramatic. I’m flipping a coin: heads = I lose it, tails = I get a new scar.

Speaking of losing things—lost my keys, lost my phone, lost my dignity. You can’t find your keys, but you can find your phone. My phone’s been attached to my shirt for the last three hours. It’s like a clingy boyfriend. “Are you with me?” “No, that’s your phone. I’m with my dignity.”

And then there’s dating. I just signed up on a dating app. The first message I got was “What’s your favorite binge-worthy show?” I replied, “I’m not a TV person.” She replied, “Oh, so you’re a human? That’s… unexpected.” It’s like dating apps are trying to convince us that we’re not just a few thousand likes away from a broken heart.

Anyway, that’s my time. Thanks for being a great audience—just like my phone, you’ve been my constant. Love you all!