Generate a Stand-Up Routine

Alright, here’s a 3-minute stand-up comedy routine—no puns, just some observational absurdity and a bit of self-deprecation to keep it relatable.

---

Hey, everybody! Good to be here. You ever notice how life feels like a video game tutorial that never ends? Like, you figure out how to pay taxes, and then—bam!—here’s a pop-up quest: “Learn to fix your own plumbing or lose $200!” I’m 30-something years old, and I’m still waiting for the main storyline to kick in. Instead, I’m just grinding side missions like “Fold the Laundry” for zero experience points and a vague sense of dread.

Speaking of dread, let’s talk about grocery shopping. You ever go to the store and realize it’s secretly a psychological experiment? I walk in for milk, and 20 minutes later, I’m holding a $15 candle that smells like “Forest Whisper” and a jar of artisanal pickles I’ll never open. Who’s whispering in the forest? Why am I paying for their secrets? And don’t get me started on the self-checkout. It’s like the machine’s judging me the whole time. “Unexpected item in bagging area.” Yeah, it’s my dignity—scan it and move on!

You know what’s wild, though? How we’ve all just accepted that phones run our lives now. I caught myself apologizing to my phone the other day. I dropped it, and I was like, “Oh, sorry, buddy!” Sorry to what? The slab of glass that knows my search history? That thing’s not my friend—it’s my parole officer. It’s like, “Hey, you’ve been scrolling for three hours. Wanna watch a documentary about sea slugs instead?” Yes. Yes, I do. Leave me alone.

And can we talk about how adulthood is just lying to yourself to keep going? I told myself I’d start jogging this year. Day one, I put on the sneakers, I stretch, I’m feeling good. Five minutes in, I’m wheezing like an accordion with asthma, rethinking every life choice. Now I just walk fast around my apartment and call it cardio. “Oh, yeah, I’m training—for the Couch Olympics.” Gold medal in “Sitting Still” three years running.

The worst part? Everyone’s pretending they’ve got it together. You see people at coffee shops, all calm, sipping their lattes, typing on laptops like they’re solving world peace. Meanwhile, I’m over here spilling coffee on my shirt, googling “how to adult” for the 17th time. I’m pretty sure half those laptops are just open to a blank Word doc with “HELP” typed in 72-point font.

But honestly, life’s chaos is kind of beautiful, right? We’re all just stumbling through, trying not to trip over the same dumb stuff twice. Like, I’ll keep buying those candles, I’ll keep dropping my phone, and I’ll keep jogging—well, maybe not that one. Anyway, thanks for laughing with me, folks. You’re the best!

---

That’s about three minutes—hope it gave you a chuckle! Want me to tweak anything?