Generate a Stand-Up Routine

[Walks on stage, adjusts mic, takes a sip of water]

Hey, everybody! Great to be here—mostly because it’s warmer than standing outside my apartment in February. I just moved to Chicago, and I forgot how winter works here. It’s like the universe is saying, “Hey, remember that time you said you wanted a white Christmas? Well, here’s 17 pounds of it stuck to your windshield, pal!”

I tried to drive to work last week, and my car was so iced over, it looked like it had been in a food fight with Elsa. I had to warm it up for 45 minutes. By the time I was ready to leave, the engine was hot, the seats were cold, and my coffee had achieved room temperature—just like my dating life.

Speaking of dating, I recently joined a dating app. You know, the kind where you swipe right on people based on their ability to take a selfie without using a filter that makes them look like a melted candle. I matched with this woman, and her bio said, “Looking for someone who doesn’t take himself too seriously.” So I thought, “Perfect! I’m funny, self-aware, and I once cried at a Subaru commercial.” But then she unmatched me when I told her I still sleep with a nightlight. Apparently, “emotional support lava lamp” isn’t a valid answer.

Let’s talk about grocery stores. Why is it that every time I go to the store, I forget something? I’ll walk in for milk and leave with a cart full of snacks, a scented candle, and a plant I can’t keep alive. Last time, I bought a succulent. I named it “Hope.” It’s already on its second leaf. I’m like, “Come on, Hope, you can do it! Just don’t die like the last one!”

And have you noticed how every app wants to send you notifications? My phone buzzes more than a bee in a nightclub. “Your friend commented on a photo.” “Your fridge is running.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m afraid to check. What if my fridge is just out there gossiping about me?

Alright, that’s my time. Thanks for listening—if you enjoyed the show, tip your waitstaff, because they’re the real heroes here. And if you didn’t enjoy it, well, that’s okay. I once told a joke to a crowd of cows. They stared at me for ten minutes, then one of them farted and walked away. So I think I’m doing better than that cow. Good night!