"Normal-ish Person" — A Stand-Up Routine

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[WALKS ON STAGE, CASUAL ENERGY]

Hey, everyone. Good to be here. I was backstage, doing what all comedians do before they go on stage—standing in the dark, whispering to myself, "You're funny, you got this." If you heard that, no you didn't.

[BEAT]

I've been doing comedy for a few years now, and people always ask me, "Where do you get your material?" And I tell them: life. Life is the material. Because here's the thing about being an adult—no one trains you for it. You just show up and pretend you know what you're doing.

[TRANSITION]

I was at the grocery store the other day, and I saw someone I went to high school with. We hadn't talked in fifteen years. And we both did that thing where we made eye contact, recognized each other, and then immediately looked at our phones. Peak adult behavior. "Oh, sorry, I have to take this call from... my cart? Yes, hello cart, I'll be right there."

But then I thought about it later, and I was like, why did we do that? What are we so afraid of? So I looked him up on social media. Bad idea. Worst idea. The guy is now a cardiovascular surgeon. He saves lives. And I'm out here pretending my phone is vibrating.

[BEAT]

Here's what no one tells you about your thirties: you're not old, but you're not young either. You're just in this weird middle ground. You're at a concert and the band plays a song from your childhood, and you're like, "Oh, I love this song!" And then you realize the band is playing it ironically, because it came out when you were in high school, and now it's "vintage." I went to a "90s night" at a bar, and I was like, "They're playing my childhood!" And my friend said, "No, they're playing your trauma. 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' is not a fun song. That song is about alienation and confusion."

[TRANSITION]

I tried to get into hobbies recently. Everyone says you need hobbies. "Find something you're passionate about," they say. So I tried cooking. Bought all these ingredients. Spent eighty dollars on spices I'll use once. Made a recipe that looked beautiful on YouTube and looked like gray asphalt on my plate. Still ate it, though. Because I'm not wasteful. I'm cheap, but not wasteful. Different things.

My grandmother tried the same recipe. She's been cooking for sixty years. She looked at my dish and said, "This looks like something you'd feed a sick animal to make it feel better about being sick." Thank you, Grandma. Real support there.

[BEAT]

Dating apps. Let's talk about dating apps. Because if you're single, you know. If you're not single, let me paint you a picture. It's like job hunting, but worse. At least with jobs, they pretend they're interested in you. On dating apps, people can't even do that. You match with someone, you send a message, and then you just... wait. And wait. And check your phone forty-seven times an hour. "Did they see it? Are they typing? Did their phone die? Did their entire family die? That's the only explanation."

And then, if you do go on a date, you have to pretend you're not who you are. You can't talk about your real interests. I went on a date once and she asked what I do for fun. I said, "Comedy." She said, "Oh, so you're funny?" I said, "I don't know, I'm doing stand-up in a few days, you should come." She did not come. She also did not text back. So that tracks.

[CLOSER]

But here's the thing, though—and I mean this sincerely—none of us know what we're doing. Every single person in this room is just out here guessing. You're guessing at work. You're guessing in relationships. You're guessing at parenting, if you have kids. I don't have kids, but I assume you're guessing at that too.

And that's okay. That's actually the whole point. We're all just out here pretending, and the fact that we're all pretending together? That's the only thing that makes it bearable.

So thank you for being here tonight. You came out, you laughed, you pretended to laugh at some of my jokes. I appreciate all of it.

Goodnight, everyone. Be nice to each other. We're all just out here trying to figure it out.

[WALKS OFF STAGE]