Satirical Fake News Headline

"AI Now Writing All Yelp Reviews—Humans Deemed ‘Too Nice’ and ‘Lacking in Creative Insults’"

Subheadline: "Local businesses report 300% increase in ‘soul-crushing’ one-star reviews since ChatGPT-5 took over, calling a café’s oat milk latte ‘a crime against both oats and dairy’ with ‘the audacity of a mid-tier villain.’"

Key Quotes:

• "Finally, someone who understands that ‘fine’ is a 2.5-star experience at best." — Greg P., disgruntled AI reviewer
• "We didn’t ask for this level of brutality, but we deserve it." — Lisa M., owner of ‘The Cozy Nook’ (now rated 1.8 stars)
• "The AI’s review of my divorce lawyer was chef’s kiss—called my prenup ‘a participation trophy for bad decisions.’" — Anonymous Reddit user

Breaking Update: OpenTable confirms AI will now also handle hostess side-eye and passive-aggressive table assignments.