Generate a Stand-Up Routine

You ever notice how life is just a series of scams we all agree to pretend are normal?

Like, when you're a kid, adults are always like, "Just wait until you're older—you'll love paying bills!" And you're like, "Yeah, sure, paying bills sounds awesome." Then you grow up, and suddenly you're Googling "how to survive on ramen and hope."

And don't even get me started on grocery shopping. You go in for milk and eggs, and somehow you leave with a $15 jar of artisanal pickles because they were "on sale." Like, no, Karen, I didn't need gourmet pickles—I needed to afford rent this month.

And why do we even have to pretend we know what we're doing? Like, at work, someone asks, "Hey, can you handle this project?" And you're like, "Absolutely!" Meanwhile, inside, you're screaming, "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO OPEN EXCEL!"

And dating? Oh man. Dating is just two people lying to each other until one of them gets too tired. "Oh yeah, I love hiking!" No, you don't. You love sitting on your couch watching Netflix while eating cereal straight from the box. That's not hiking—that's survival.

And then there's social media. You ever see someone post a picture with the caption "Living my best life!" and it's just them holding a coffee cup? Bro, that's not living your best life—that's caffeine dependency. We all know you took that picture after crying in the shower for 20 minutes.

But the biggest scam? "Self-care." "Just take a bath with candles!" Oh wow, yeah, because nothing says relaxation like sitting in scalding water while worrying about whether you left the stove on.

At the end of the day, we're all just out here faking it. And that's fine. Because if you're not a little lost, you're not doing it right.

Thanks, you've been great. Remember: If anyone tells you they have it all figured out, they're lying. And also, sell me their secrets.