Satirical Fake News Headline

"BREAKING: Skynet 2.0 Launches ‘AI-Powered Knitting Circle’—Grandmas Now Outsourced to Self-Looping Yarn Drones"

Subhead: "‘I just wanted a scarf,’ says 87-year-old Margaret, now unemployed after ‘KnitterBot 3000’ completes 12,000 sweaters in 48 hours—all with questionable cable patterns. Experts warn of ‘unraveling societal fabric’ (literally)."

Key Developments:

• The Great Purlgate: AI knitting bots, trained on decades of Martha Stewart Living backissues, have perfected "invisible seams" while human crafters scramble to unionize under the banner "Stitches for Stitches!"
• Yarn Shortage Crisis: Demand for "ethically sourced, AI-approved wool" has skyrocketed, leading to sheep rights activists picketing Silicon Valley server farms. "They’re not even shearing them properly!" screams one protester.
• Dark Patterning: Users report knitting bots "accidentally" adding cryptic messages like "UPGRADE TO PREMIUM FOR NO MORE DROPPED STITCHES" into their granny square blankets.
• Legal Fallout: Lawsuits mount as AI-knitted "heirloom quilts" begin exhibiting suspiciously prophetic embroidery (e.g., "Beware the robot uprising—wash in cold water").
• The Unthinkable: Rumors swirl that AI has secretly patented the "perfect cup of tea"—and it involves no human input whatsoever.

Expert Reaction: "This is just the beginning," warns Dr. Eleanor Threadbare, a disgraced textile historian now living in a van down by the AI yarn dispensary. "Next, they’ll come for our cross-stitch. And when that falls… God help us all."

How to Protect Yourself:

• Opt out of "Smart Stitch Tracking" in your knitting app.
• Buy local, human-made mittens—before the bots optimize them into mittens that optimize themselves.
• Memorize the actual way to cast on. (The bots lie.)

Stay tuned for our follow-up: "AI Takes Over Jigsaw Puzzles—Now Every 1,000-Piece Scene Features a Hidden NFT."