Generate a Stand-Up Routine

[Comic steps on stage, takes the mic]

“Hey everyone, thanks for coming out tonight. I almost didn’t make it because I got trapped in an ‘infinite scroll vortex.’ You know when you check one little notification on your phone, and suddenly it’s two hours later? My left thumb is basically a professional athlete at this point—I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records for ‘fastest social media refresh.’ I feel like every time I tap my screen, I’m signing away another portion of my soul. But hey, at least I’m caught up on all my ex’s vacation photos and some random cat videos I can’t unsee.

So I got myself out of the house and decided to try being more ‘active.’ I went to one of those fancy gyms—where the equipment is shinier than my future. The treadmill is so high-tech it practically demands a DNA sample before you can start running. I’m standing there huffing and puffing while the machine's screen is playing scenic videos of mountains in Switzerland, encouraging me to ‘keep going.’ Meanwhile, I’m like, ‘Dude, I’m just trying not to collapse. Maybe ease up on the pep talk.’

After that, I thought I’d reward myself with a healthy smoothie. Have you seen the sizes of these things? You order a medium and you get a bucket of kale sludge. They hand it to you with a straw so wide you could drive a toy car through it. And suddenly you’re paying nine bucks to sip spinach—like that’s the best life decision you’ve made all day. Who needs retirement savings when you can have a fancy green drink that tastes suspiciously like lawn clippings?

On the way home, I got stuck in traffic. I just love that feeling when you’re gridlocked behind two people who are evidently in no rush to do anything, ever. I’m sitting there, going about two miles an hour, which is basically just a very aggressive crawl. I’m not proud of how often I shout at my windshield. My car is like my personal confessional booth, and the traffic jam is me atoning for all the times I told Netflix, ‘Yes, I’m still watching.’

Anyway, that’s me, folks. If you’ll excuse me, I have 47 unread notifications that I need to pretend don’t exist until tomorrow. Thanks so much for laughing along—and remember, if you want to feel accomplished tonight, just check something off your to-do list… or, you know, at least make one.” [Comic waves and exits the stage]