Generate a Stand-Up Routine

(Spotlight comes up, mic squeals once.)

Hey everyone! Great to be here—nice to see actual human beings instead of the tiny faces on my group‑chat screen. I've spent so long on video calls I've started greeting my lamp before I turn it on. "Hey Karen, love that glow, girl."

So, I finally bought one of those smart speakers. I thought it would make me feel like Iron Man. Instead I feel like I adopted a very unmotivated intern. I'm like, "Play upbeat music," and it replies, "Here's a three‑hour podcast on the history of spoons." I asked it to remind me to work out; it waited until 11:59 p.m. and whispered, "You up?" My smart speaker is basically every guy I dated in college.

Speaking of relationships, I recently tried a dating app that lets you record a short audio bio. That's great, because if there's one thing more awkward than texting a stranger, it's leaving them a voicemail. Some guy said, "I'm looking for someone spontaneous." So I spontaneously unmatched him. Then I matched with a guy who listed his hobbies as "finance" and "manifesting." Congratulations, sir, you just invented prayer with extra steps.

Let's talk wellness culture. Everyone's drinking celery juice now. Celery is 95 percent water and 5 percent sadness. People swear it detoxes you. From what, joy? I tried a juice cleanse once. Day one, I'm like, "I feel so light!" Day two, I'm Googling the legal definition of cannibalism while staring at my roommate. Day three, I'd trade my social security number for a cracker.

I joined a yoga class to "center myself." First pose, the instructor says, "Just let your thoughts drift away." Great, because the only thought I have is, "Did I leave the stove on?" By the time I remember I don't even own a stove, class is over. The instructor thanks us for "sharing our practice." Ma'am, if you saw what went on in my head, you'd call an exorcist, not thank me.

Has anyone tried online grocery delivery? The substitutions are wild. I ordered quinoa; they sent me birdseed and a note that said, "Hope this works!" I asked for toilet paper; they delivered a single roll labeled "party streamer." At this point I'm convinced the store is just a guy named Todd making runs to a gas station. Now airlines are weighing passengers to "optimize fuel efficiency." Fantastic. Nothing like stepping on a scale in front of 150 strangers so the plane can save twelve dollars on kerosene. Watch, they'll start charging for emotional baggage: "Ma'am, that childhood trauma is gonna be an extra forty‑five bucks."

Before I go, quick life tip: when your phone tells you your screen time was up 30 percent last week, don't feel guilty. Just flip it around. "Wow, I was SO popular my phone worried about me." Self‑care is all branding, folks.

You've been awesome—give it up for yourselves, and remember, if life hands you lemons, ask for the receipt and buy wine instead. Good night!