Generate a Stand-Up Routine

The Modern Dating World

So I went on this date last week, and the guy was really into his phone. I'm thinking, "This is great! He's not distracted by my terrible conversation skills."

But then he starts scrolling through his feed while we're eating dinner. And I'm like, "What are you doing?" He goes, "Just checking my notifications." I said, "That's like telling someone you're interested in them but you're also checking if anyone else likes you too."

He says, "Well, I've been dating for two months and I want to make sure I'm getting good matches."

I was like, "What, did you get an app for your relationship?"

The worst part is, he literally had his phone on the table with his food. So he eats with one hand and scrolls with the other. I'm thinking, "Is this how you eat your pizza? Is this how you eat your life?"

And then he has this whole conversation about how he only dates people who are "authentic." I'm like, "You mean people who don't pretend they're interested in you when they're actually just trying to find their next meal."

I'm just trying to have a conversation about my feelings, and he's like, "What are you doing with your life?"

I said, "I work at a grocery store."

He goes, "Oh, that sounds really fulfilling."

I said, "It's not my dream job, but it pays the bills."

He responds, "That's okay, there's nothing wrong with having a job."

I said, "Thanks, I'll remember that."

And then he asks me what I want to do with my life.

I said, "I want to be happy."

He said, "That's so noble."

I said, "No, I want to be happy with you."

He said, "That's so sweet."

And I said, "I know. That's why I'm asking you to marry me."

He said, "That's a big commitment."

I said, "You're right. I was going to wait until after the first date."

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[This is about 3 minutes of material - just the right amount to keep the audience laughing without running over time]