Generate a Stand-Up Routine

[Lights up. Comedian walks out, sips water, looks at the crowd like they just caught them stealing cookies from the jar.]

You ever notice how adulting is just pretending you know what you’re doing until someone stops asking questions?

I got a text from my mom last week:
“Honey, did you pay your water bill? The cutoff notice came.”
I texted back: “Mom, I didn’t even know I had a water bill. I thought water just… showed up. Like magic. Like the Tooth Fairy, but for sinks.”

She replied: “You’re 32. You can’t just turn on the tap and expect it to be a gift from the water gods.”
I said: “Mom, I’m not religious—I just have strong faith in plumbing.”

I went to the bank the other day to open a savings account.
The teller asked, “What’s your financial goal?”
I said, “I want to save enough so I can afford to not think about money for five minutes.”
She stared at me like I just asked for a loan to fund a moon vacation… in 1972.

She said, “How about starting with $50 a month?”
I said, “I don’t have $50 a month. I have $50 every two months, and I use that to pay for my therapist and one meal that doesn’t come in a box.”

You ever have one of those days where you’re trying to be a responsible human, and your brain just… glitches into toddler mode?

I tried to make oatmeal this morning.
I followed the instructions: “Bring water to a boil. Add oats. Stir.”
So I boiled the water.
I added the oats.
Then I stared at it for 17 minutes, waiting for it to… grow legs and walk away?
I thought, “Is this supposed to be soup? Is this cereal? Is this a science experiment gone wrong?”

I called my roommate: “What am I supposed to do with this?”
He said, “Eat it.”
I said, “But it’s not moving.”
He hung up.

And don’t even get me started on grocery stores.
Why is everything in a bag?
Why does a single avocado need a plastic clamshell, a cardboard box, and a tiny footnote in French that says, “This is ripe if you cry when you hold it”?

I picked up an apple the other day.
It had a sticker on it.
I read it: “Gala. Best before 6/12. Grown in Washington.”
I thought: “You’re telling me this apple has a resume. And I’m supposed to trust it? What if it’s lying? What if it’s from Ohio and just faked its passport?”

I took it home. I washed it.
I bit into it.
Tasted like regret and federal subsidies.

And then there’s the Wi-Fi.
You ever be in a Zoom call, and your connection glitches?
The CEO’s like, “So, moving forward—”
buffering… buffering…
And then your dog walks into frame, stares at the camera, and starts licking its own butt like it’s the CEO now.

You’re like, “Sorry, guys—my dog’s in charge of quarterly projections today.”
And everyone’s nodding.
Because they’re all just pretending too.

We’re all just out here, wearing pants, saying “yes” to things we don’t understand, nodding while people talk about “synergy” and “leverage,” hoping no one notices we’re just a human-shaped anxiety with a debit card.

And yet…
Every night, I go to bed thinking,
“Tomorrow, I’ll be the adult.”
Then I wake up, and I’m still eating cold pizza for breakfast…
…while watching a YouTube video titled,
“How to Fold a Fitted Sheet (Spoiler: It’s a Lie).”

Thank you. You’ve been great.
I’m gonna go… try to pay my water bill now.
…Or just hope the water gods forgive me.

[Exits. Leaves a single oat on the stage. The audience stares. One person picks it up. Shrugs. Eats it.]*

[Blackout.]