(Walks to the mic, adjusts the stand, takes a sip of water)

So, I went to the grocery store the other day. I realize now that going to the grocery store isn't a chore anymore. It’s a tactical simulation. We don't just walk in and get milk. We navigate a gauntlet.

Especially the self-checkout. They call it "self-checkout," which implies autonomy. But it feels more like "self-surveillance."

You stand there with your basket. You scan an apple. The screen asks, "Is this an apple?" You say, "Yes." It says, "Okay, please place the apple in the bagging area."

This is where the real acting begins. You have to put the apple in the bag perfectly. You can't be holding it. You can't have the bag touching the scanner. If you slip, the machine screams.

It’s not a beep. It’s a human voice. It says, "Please remove the item." Not "Please move the item." "Remove the item." It sounds like the machine is judging your life choices.

I was in there last week, trying to scan a loaf of bread. It wouldn't scan. I scanned it three times. I moved it. I tapped the screen. Finally, the machine said, "Unexpected item in bagging area."

I have a loaf of bread in a plastic bag. I put the bread in the bag. Why is it unexpected?

I hit "Help." And that is when the horror starts.

There is no person there. There is a button, and when you press it, you have to wait twenty seconds. Then, a video feed pops up. A woman appears. She’s wearing a headset. She looks tired. She looks like she’s seen things.

She says, "Hi, what can I help you with?"

I say, "I'm trying to buy bread."

She says, "Let me see your screen."

I hold my phone up to the screen. She says, "Okay, the bagging area is too heavy."

I say, "I have a loaf of bread. It weighs 16 ounces."

She says, "It's weighing 15 pounds."

I say, "That's the scale, not the bread."

She sighs. She says, "I'm going to override it."

And then she has to type. She has to type a code. And while she types, the machine locks you out. You can't move. You can't breathe. You're trapped in a digital holding cell.

It makes you feel like you're stealing something. You're not stealing. You're just trying to go home and eat dinner.

But the worst part is the checkout line. If you use a cashier, they treat you like royalty. But if you use the self-checkout, the actual cashiers are watching you. They are standing behind the glass, watching you struggle.

I saw a guy put a watermelon in the bag. It made a huge thud. The machine said, "Please remove the item."

The guy put the watermelon in the bag again. The machine said, "Please remove the item."

The guy put the watermelon on the floor. The machine said, "Please remove the item."

Finally, the machine just gave up and said, "Please wait for an attendant."

And the guy just stood there, waiting.

That is the new human condition. You don't leave the store when you're done. You leave the store when the machine decides you are done.

We used to worry about the rent. Now we worry about the bagging area.

Thank you, you've been great! (Drops mic and walks off)