Generate a Stand-Up Routine

3-Minute Stand-Up Comedy Routine (Pun-Free)

Hey everyone, thanks for coming out! I almost didn’t make it tonight. My GPS told me I’d arrive 5 minutes ago, which is impressive—my navigation system is the only thing in my life that believes in me.

Let’s talk about fitness. You know you’re out of shape when your smartwatch congratulates you for walking to the fridge. “Great job! You’ve burned 6 calories retrieving leftover pizza.” I’m convinced my watch is just trying to build my confidence so I’ll buy more bands.

I recently joined a gym, which is a huge step for me, because so far, my only real exercise has been running late. At the gym, there’s always that one guy who brings a gallon of water, grunts like he’s giving birth, and stares in the mirror so hard, I think he’s trying to psych himself into becoming a Marvel superhero. Meanwhile, I can barely figure out how to adjust the seat on the stationary bike. It’s called “stationary,” but I still manage to nearly launch myself off it.

Dating is wild these days. I tried online dating, but the only matches I get are “People You May Know.” Which is awkward, because I do know them, and now I know they’re also desperate. My favorite part about dating apps is how everyone says they “love adventure.” Like, are we talking skydiving, or is it just a willingness to try new menu items at Taco Bell?

Speaking of food, I’ve started meal-prepping to save money. Which means every Sunday, I make enough bland chicken and rice to feed a small army of sad people. I eat the same thing five days in a row, and by Friday, I’m looking at a stick of gum and thinking, “Well, that’s technically a new flavor.”

Let’s not even get started on adulting. There’s a point in your life where you realize you’re not having a bad day—you’re just out of clean socks. Laundry becomes a game of roulette. Will I find two socks that match, or will I be rocking a left-foot Christmas sock and a right-foot Halloween special? At this point, my washing machine eats more socks than I do vegetables.

Thanks for being here, everyone! Remember, if you ever feel lost, just pretend you’re a GPS—confident, but completely wrong half the time. Have a great night!