3-Minute Stand-Up Comedy Routine: “Modern Life is… Something”

[Open with confident energy, like you’re already mid-conversation.]

You ever notice how optimistic technology is? Like, my smart speaker wakes me up every morning with, “Good news! Today will be sunny!” Meanwhile, I’m staring at my ceiling thinking, “Good news? I just spent 45 minutes last night explaining to Netflix that yes, I’m still watching. I have no self-control. What’s ‘good’ about today?”

And why do these devices act so shocked when we mess up? I told my Google Home, “Turn off the living room lights,” and it hit me with, “Hmm, something went wrong.” Oh, really? Because I didn’t go wrong. You did. You’re the one who decided “living room” sounds like “lizard dungeon.” Now my basement’s pitch black, and my pet gecko thinks I’m pranking him.

Speaking of pranks, can we talk about social media? Everyone’s out here living their “best life.” Bro, your “best life” is a lie. I saw your Instagram story—you held that avocado toast at 12 different angles for 20 minutes just to get the lighting right. Meanwhile, your caption’s like, “Livin’ simple!” Ma’am, you used a photo-editing app named after a nuclear disaster. Nothing about this is simple.

And don’t get me started on dating apps. I matched with someone whose bio said, “I love hiking and adventures!” Cool, so do I! Turns out their idea of “hiking” was walking to the Starbucks drive-thru. Their “adventure” was forgetting their wallet. We’re not soulmates—we’re the same person.

Modern life is just a series of tiny humiliations. Like, I tried meal-prepping once. Bought all these containers, spent hours chopping kale… by day three, I’m in my driveway at midnight, barefoot, whispering into a delivery app: “Yes, I want the cheeseburger. No, I don’t want to ‘make it a salad.’ I’ve made enough bad decisions today.”

Or how about the gym? January hits, and suddenly it’s packed with people who think “new year, new me” means “I’ll die on this treadmill.” Meanwhile, I’m over here using the elliptical as a coat rack. The gym staff side-eye me like, “Sir, this is a $40/month hanger.”

And why are gym machines so judgmental? I hopped on a bike that shouted, “CALORIES BURNED: 2.” Two?! I burned more calories rolling my eyes at you! The machine then asked, “Would you like to share your progress?” No, Karen, I would not like to announce to Facebook that I’m losing a battle to a stationary object.

[Lean in, conspiratorial.]

But here’s the truth: We’re all faking it. My friend bragged about her “mindfulness routine”—turns out she just stares at a candle for 10 minutes while her Amazon cart fills up. My cousin says he’s “into podcasts,” but it’s just true crime while he eats cereal in the dark. And I once told someone I “meal prep,” but it’s just me bulk-buying peanut butter and eating it with a spoon.

We’re all out here raw-dogging adulthood, pretending we know how to fold a fitted sheet. But hey, at least we’re doing it together.

[Close with a grin.]

So next time your smart speaker says, “Something went wrong,” just remember: It’s not talking about the Wi-Fi. It’s talking about us.

[Drop mic. Or, you know, pretend to, because venues hate that.]

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