"Modern Life is Weird"
[Walk on stage]
You know what's crazy about being an adult? Nobody tells you that half of it is just googling things you're
too embarrassed to ask real people. Last week I googled "is it normal for my knee to sound like bubble wrap?
" The answer was either "yes, totally fine" or "you have six weeks to live." Thanks, internet!
[Pause]
I went to the doctor about it. You know you're getting old when your doctor looks like they should be asking
YOU for ID to buy alcohol. This kid walks in with a stethoscope, and I'm like, "Did you just graduate... fr
om middle school?"
But here's what really gets me – why do we act completely insane at the doctor's office? They ask, "How much
do you drink?" and suddenly I'm doing calculus in my head. "Well, let's see, carry the one... I have a glas
s of wine with dinner." Yeah, a glass. It's just a really big glass. It's a vase, actually. I drink wine fro
m a vase.
[Mime drinking from large container]
And don't get me started on grocery shopping. Why do I need a PhD to buy shampoo? There's moisturizing, volu
mizing, clarifying, fortifying... I just want my hair to be clean! I don't need it to solve my emotional pro
blems!
Plus, self-checkout is a trap. They put you in charge of scanning your own groceries like you work there. Th
en the machine starts screaming "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA!" Yeah, it's unexpected because I don't wor
k here! I'm doing my best, robot!
[Pause for effect]
The worst part is when you're buying embarrassing things. Last week I had toilet paper, ice cream, and cat f
ood. The machine froze, and the teenage employee had to come over. He looked at my items and I could see him
thinking, "This person's having a rough week."
[Shrug]
Speaking of technology, my phone knows too much about me. It autocorrects "running late" before I even type
it because that's apparently my catchphrase now. My maps app just assumes I'm lost. It doesn't even wait for
me to ask for directions anymore. I'll be sitting on my couch and it's like, "Turn right to get to your kit
chen."
And what's with password requirements these days? "Must contain uppercase, lowercase, numbers, symbols, the
blood of your firstborn, and a haiku about your childhood fears." Then they're like, "Don't write it down!"
Where am I supposed to store this information? I can't remember why I walked into a room!
[Pace across stage]
You know what else nobody prepared me for? How excited I'd get about cancelled plans. Someone texts "Hey, ca
n we raincheck?" and I'm already in my pajamas like "Oh no! What a shame! I was so looking forward to puttin
g on real pants!"
Because going out now requires preparation. I need three business days' notice. I need to charge my social b
attery. I need to practice conversation topics. Remember when we could just... show up places?
[Final beat]
The truth is, we're all just walking around pretending we know what we're doing. But at least we're all conf
used together. And hey, if you ever see someone at the store at 10 PM buying wine in a box and googling "why
does my back hurt when I breathe?" – just give them a nod. We're all in this together.
[Pause]
Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience! Don't forget to validate your parking – unlike my life choices!
[Exit]
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