"Modern Life is Weird"

[Walk on stage]

You know what's crazy about being an adult? Nobody tells you that half of it is just googling things you're too embarrassed to ask real people. Last week I googled "is it normal for my knee to sound like bubble wrap? " The answer was either "yes, totally fine" or "you have six weeks to live." Thanks, internet!

[Pause]

I went to the doctor about it. You know you're getting old when your doctor looks like they should be asking YOU for ID to buy alcohol. This kid walks in with a stethoscope, and I'm like, "Did you just graduate... fr om middle school?"

But here's what really gets me – why do we act completely insane at the doctor's office? They ask, "How much do you drink?" and suddenly I'm doing calculus in my head. "Well, let's see, carry the one... I have a glas s of wine with dinner." Yeah, a glass. It's just a really big glass. It's a vase, actually. I drink wine fro m a vase.

[Mime drinking from large container]

And don't get me started on grocery shopping. Why do I need a PhD to buy shampoo? There's moisturizing, volu mizing, clarifying, fortifying... I just want my hair to be clean! I don't need it to solve my emotional pro blems!

Plus, self-checkout is a trap. They put you in charge of scanning your own groceries like you work there. Th en the machine starts screaming "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA!" Yeah, it's unexpected because I don't wor k here! I'm doing my best, robot!

[Pause for effect]

The worst part is when you're buying embarrassing things. Last week I had toilet paper, ice cream, and cat f ood. The machine froze, and the teenage employee had to come over. He looked at my items and I could see him thinking, "This person's having a rough week."

[Shrug]

Speaking of technology, my phone knows too much about me. It autocorrects "running late" before I even type it because that's apparently my catchphrase now. My maps app just assumes I'm lost. It doesn't even wait for me to ask for directions anymore. I'll be sitting on my couch and it's like, "Turn right to get to your kit chen."

And what's with password requirements these days? "Must contain uppercase, lowercase, numbers, symbols, the blood of your firstborn, and a haiku about your childhood fears." Then they're like, "Don't write it down!" Where am I supposed to store this information? I can't remember why I walked into a room!

[Pace across stage]

You know what else nobody prepared me for? How excited I'd get about cancelled plans. Someone texts "Hey, ca n we raincheck?" and I'm already in my pajamas like "Oh no! What a shame! I was so looking forward to puttin g on real pants!"

Because going out now requires preparation. I need three business days' notice. I need to charge my social b attery. I need to practice conversation topics. Remember when we could just... show up places?

[Final beat]

The truth is, we're all just walking around pretending we know what we're doing. But at least we're all conf used together. And hey, if you ever see someone at the store at 10 PM buying wine in a box and googling "why does my back hurt when I breathe?" – just give them a nod. We're all in this together.

[Pause]

Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience! Don't forget to validate your parking – unlike my life choices!

[Exit]

Your 1-Month Health & Longevity Kickstart Plan

Week-by-Week Overview

Week 1: Foundation Building

Focus on establishing basic habits without overwhelming yourself.

Week 2: Consistency

Solidify Week 1 habits and add small challenges.

Week 3: Expansion

Introduce variety and slightly increase intensity.

Week 4: Integration

Make these habits feel like a natural part of your lifestyle.

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🥗 NUTRITION: Simple, Sustainable Changes

Week 1-2: The Basics

• Add, don't subtract: Include 1 serving of vegetables with lunch and dinner
• Hydration first: Drink a full glass of water upon waking and before each meal
• Protein priority: Ensure each meal contains a palm-sized portion of protein

Week 3-4: Level Up

• Colorful plates: Aim for 3 different colored vegetables daily
• Smart swaps: Replace one processed snack with whole foods (nuts, fruit, yogurt)
• Meal prep Sunday: Prepare 3 healthy lunches for the week

Daily Target: 5 servings of fruits/vegetables, 8 glasses of water

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🏃 MOVEMENT: Start Where You Are

Week 1-2: Build the Habit

• Morning activation: 5-minute stretch routine upon waking
• Daily walk: 10-minute walk after lunch or dinner
• Strength basics: 2 days/week, 10 minutes of bodyweight exercises (push-ups, squats, planks)

Week 3-4: Progress Gradually

• Extended walks: Increase to 20 minutes, add hills or stairs
• Strength progression: 3 days/week, 15 minutes, add more reps
• Fun factor: Try one new activity (dance video, bike ride, swimming)

Weekly Target: 150 minutes of movement total

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😴 SLEEP: Your Recovery Superpower

Week 1-2: Sleep Hygiene Basics

• Consistent schedule: Same bedtime and wake time (even weekends)
• Wind-down routine: 30 minutes before bed - no screens, dim lights
• Bedroom setup: Cool (65-68°F), dark, and quiet

Week 3-4: Optimize Quality

• Morning sunlight: 10 minutes of natural light within 30 minutes of waking
• Caffeine cutoff: No caffeine after 2 PM
• Sleep tracking: Use a simple app or journal to monitor patterns

Daily Target: 7-8 hours of sleep

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📋 Your Daily Checklist

Print this and check off each day:

• Drank water first thing in morning
• Ate vegetables with 2 meals
• Moved for at least 20 minutes
• Started wind-down routine by designated time
• Avoided screens 30 minutes before bed

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💡 Success Tips

1. Start small: Better to do 5 minutes consistently than 30 minutes sporadically
2. Track visually: Use a calendar to mark successful days
3. Prepare for obstacles: Have backup plans (indoor exercises, pre-cut veggies)
4. Celebrate wins: Acknowledge every small victory
5. Find accountability: Share your plan with a friend or family member

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🎯 End-of-Month Goals

By Day 30, you should:

• Feel more energetic throughout the day
• Have established a consistent sleep schedule
• Complete 20+ minutes of daily movement without struggle
• Naturally reach for healthier food options
• Have a sustainable routine you actually enjoy

Remember: This month is about building momentum, not perfection. Focus on progress over perfection, and thes e small changes will compound into significant long-term health improvements.

< The plan should be highly detailed and actionable."

Advanced 3-Month Biohacker Longevity Optimization Protocol

Executive Summary

This comprehensive protocol integrates cutting-edge longevity science, performance optimization, and biohacking strategies into a systematic 3-month program. The plan emphasizes measurable outcomes, safety, and progressive adaptation.

Month 1: Foundation & Baseline Establishment

Week 1-2: Assessment & Preparation

Baseline Testing

• Comprehensive Blood Panel:

  • Complete metabolic panel, lipid profile, HbA1c, fasting insulin
  • Hormones: Testosterone, estradiol, DHEA-S, cortisol (4-point), TSH, Free T3/T4
  • Inflammatory markers: hs-CRP, homocysteine, fibrinogen
  • Nutrients: Vitamin D, B12, folate, magnesium RBC, zinc, copper
  • Advanced: ApoB, Lp(a), omega-3 index, oxidized LDL

• Physical Assessment:_

  • DEXA scan for body composition
  • VO2 max testing
  • Grip strength measurement
  • Heart Rate Variability baseline (morning readings for 7 days)

• Cognitive Baseline:_

  • Cambridge Brain Sciences assessment
  • Reaction time testing (Human Benchmark)
  • Sleep quality assessment (Pittsburgh Sleep Quality Index)

Dietary Protocol - Month 1

Weeks 1-2: Metabolic Reset

• Modified Ketogenic Diet (70% fat, 20% protein, 10% carbs)
• Daily caloric intake: Calculate TDEE × 0.9 for mild deficit
• Meal timing: 16:8 intermittent fasting window (12pm-8pm feeding)

Sample Daily Menu:

• First Meal (12pm):

  • 3 eggs cooked in 1 tbsp grass-fed butter
  • 1/2 avocado
  • 2 cups mixed greens with 2 tbsp olive oil
  • 4 oz wild-caught salmon

• Second Meal (4pm):

  • 6 oz grass-fed beef
  • 2 cups steamed broccoli with 1 tbsp MCT oil
  • 1 oz macadamia nuts

• Final Meal (7pm):

  • 4 oz chicken thigh
  • Cauliflower rice with coconut oil
  • Green salad with pumpkin seeds

Weeks 3-4: Fasting Integration

• Tuesday/Thursday: 24-hour fasts (dinner to dinner)
• Continue 16:8 on other days
• Sunday: Refeed day with 150% normal calories, 30% carbs

Supplement Stack - Month 1

Morning (with first meal):

• NAD+ Support Complex:

  • NMN: 500mg
  • Resveratrol: 500mg (with fat source)
  • Quercetin: 500mg
  • Fisetin: 100mg

• Mitochondrial Support:

  • CoQ10 (ubiquinol): 200mg
  • PQQ: 20mg
  • Alpha-lipoic acid: 300mg

• Essential Stack:

  • Vitamin D3: 5000 IU (adjust based on blood levels)
  • Vitamin K2 (MK-7): 200mcg
  • Magnesium glycinate: 400mg
  • Zinc picolinate: 15mg

Afternoon:

• Cognitive Enhancement:
  • Lion's Mane: 1000mg
  • Bacopa Monnieri: 300mg (standardized to 50% bacosides)
  • Rhodiola Rosea: 200mg (3% rosavins, 1% salidroside)

Evening (2 hours before bed):

• Sleep & Recovery:
  • Magnesium threonate: 2000mg
  • L-theanine: 200mg
  • Ashwagandha (KSM-66): 600mg
  • Glycine: 3g

Exercise Protocol - Month 1

Monday/Thursday: Strength Training (45-60 minutes)

Workout A:

• Barbell squat: 4×6-8 @ 80% 1RM
• Romanian deadlift: 3×8-10
• Walking lunges: 3×12 each leg
• Leg curls: 3×12-15
• Calf raises: 4×15-20

Workout B:

• Bench press: 4×6-8 @ 80% 1RM
• Bent-over row: 4×8-10
• Overhead press: 3×8-10
• Pull-ups: 3×max reps
• Face pulls: 3×15-20

Tuesday/Friday: HIIT (20 minutes)

• 5-minute warm-up
• 8 rounds: 20 seconds all-out, 40 seconds recovery
• 5-minute cool-down
• Track: Power output, heart rate recovery

Wednesday: Zone 2 Cardio (45-60 minutes)

• Target: 180 - age = max heart rate
• Activities: Brisk walking, cycling, swimming
• Nasal breathing only

Saturday: Active Recovery

• 30 minutes yoga or mobility work
• 20 minutes sauna (if available)
• Cold exposure: 3 minutes cold shower

Sunday: Rest

Stress Resilience & Recovery - Month 1

Daily Practices:

• Morning HRV Training (10 minutes):

  • Use HRV biofeedback device (WHOOP, Oura, or dedicated HRV sensor)
  • Resonance breathing: 5 seconds in, 5 seconds out
  • Target: Increase HRV by 10% over baseline

• Meditation (20 minutes):

  • Week 1-2: Guided mindfulness (Headspace/Calm)
  • Week 3-4: Transition to unguided practice

• Evening Routine:

  • Blue light blocking glasses 2 hours before bed
  • Room temperature: 65-68°F
  • Complete darkness (blackout curtains)
  • White noise or silence

Tracking & Metrics - Month 1

Wearables Setup:

• Primary: WHOOP 4.0 or Oura Ring Gen 3
• Secondary: Continuous Glucose Monitor (Levels or Supersapiens)
• Optional: Eight Sleep pod for sleep optimization

Daily Tracking:

• Morning: HRV, resting heart rate, body temperature
• Throughout day: Steps (target 10,000), glucose responses
• Evening: Sleep readiness score
• Weekly: Body weight, body measurements, photos

Month 2: Optimization & Advanced Protocols

Dietary Protocol - Month 2

Weeks 5-6: Cyclical Ketogenic Diet

• Monday-Friday: Strict keto (<20g carbs)
• Saturday: Carb refeed (2g/kg body weight from sweet potatoes, white rice)
• Sunday: Modified keto (50g carbs)

Weeks 7-8: Extended Fasting

• One 48-hour fast (Wednesday dinner to Friday dinner)
• Preparation: Increase electrolytes 2 days prior
• During fast:
  • Snake juice: 2L water, 1 tsp pink salt, 1 tsp potassium chloride
  • Black coffee, green tea allowed
  • Light walking only

Supplement Stack - Month 2 (Additions/Modifications)

Cycling Protocol:

• Week 5-6: Add Sulforaphane (from broccoli sprouts): 40mg daily
• Week 7-8: Cycle off NAD+ precursors, maintain others

New Additions:

• Methylene Blue (pharmaceutical grade): 0.5mg/kg body weight, 2x/week
• C60 in olive oil: 5ml daily
• Spermidine: 5mg daily
• Rapamycin (prescription required): 5mg once weekly (consult physician)

Exercise Protocol - Month 2

Progressive Overload:

• Increase weights by 5-10% from Month 1
• Add blood flow restriction training to last set of each exercise

Monday/Thursday: Modified Strength

• Incorporate cluster sets for main lifts
• Add 2 minutes rest-pause sets for accessories

Tuesday/Friday: Advanced HIIT

• Wingate protocol: 4×30 seconds all-out, 4 minutes recovery
• Track peak power and fatigue index

Wednesday: MAF Training

• 60-75 minutes at MAF heart rate (180 - age)
• Monthly MAF test to track improvement

Saturday: Contrast Training

• 20 minutes sauna
• 3-5 minutes ice bath
• Repeat 3 rounds
• End with cold

Advanced Biohacking - Month 2

Photobiomodulation:

• Red light therapy: 10 minutes morning, 10 minutes evening
• Target areas: Face, chest, back
• Wavelengths: 660nm and 850nm

Neurofeedback Training:

• 2 sessions/week using Muse or similar device
• Focus on increasing alpha waves and gamma bursts

Grounding/Earthing:

• 20 minutes barefoot contact with earth daily
• Track inflammatory markers

Cognitive Enhancement Protocol - Month 2

Nootropic Cycling:

Week 5-6:

• Modafinil: 100mg, 2x/week (Tuesday/Friday)
• Noopept: 10mg sublingual, daily
• Aniracetam: 750mg with fat source, 2x daily

Week 7-8:

• Phenylpiracetam: 100mg, 3x/week
• L-theanine + Caffeine: 200mg/100mg for focus sessions
• Nicotinamide riboside: 300mg daily

Month 3: Advanced Integration & Personalization

Dietary Protocol - Month 3

Weeks 9-10: Protein Cycling

• Monday/Wednesday/Friday: High protein (1.5g/kg)
• Tuesday/Thursday: Low protein (0.5g/kg) - activate autophagy
• Weekend: Moderate protein (1g/kg)

Weeks 11-12: Personalized Approach

• Based on CGM data, create personalized meal timing
• Implement targeted supplementation based on Month 2 blood work

Exercise Protocol - Month 3

Periodization:

• Week 9-10: Deload (70% intensity)
• Week 11-12: Peak phase (test new 1RMs)

Advanced Techniques:

• German Volume Training for hypertrophy
• Velocity-based training for power
• Heart rate variability-guided training intensity

Longevity Interventions - Month 3

Hormetic Stressors:

• Hypoxic training: 3x/week breath holds
• Heat shock: 4x/week sauna at 180°F for 20 minutes
• Cold shock: Daily cold showers progressing to ice baths

Advanced Supplementation:

• Plasmalogens: 1mg daily
• Urolithin A: 500mg daily
• Ergothioneine: 5mg daily
• Beta-alanine: 3g daily for muscle endurance

Sleep Optimization - Month 3

Advanced Protocol:

• Temperature regulation: ChiliPad set to drop 2°F every 2 hours
• Pink noise during deep sleep phases
• Morning light exposure: 10,000 lux for 30 minutes upon waking
• Evening: Red light only after sunset

Final Assessment & Future Planning

Week 12 Testing:

• Repeat all baseline blood work
• DEXA scan comparison
• VO2 max retest
• Cognitive assessments
• Compile 3-month data trends

Data Analysis:

• Identify top 20% interventions by impact
• Create personalized long-term protocol
• Plan quarterly testing schedule

Safety Considerations & Disclaimers

1. Medical Supervision: Consult healthcare providers before starting, especially for prescription items
2. Individual Variation: Adjust protocols based on personal response
3. Quality Sources: Use third-party tested supplements only
4. Gradual Implementation: Don't start everything at once
5. Listen to Your Body: Stop any intervention causing adverse effects

Expected Outcomes

Based on scientific literature and anecdotal reports:

• 10-20% improvement in VO2 max
• 15-25% increase in HRV
• 5-10% reduction in body fat (if starting >15%)
• 20-30% improvement in cognitive test scores
• Significant improvements in energy and recovery
• Optimized bloodwork markers

Monthly Investment Estimate

• Supplements: $400-600
• Testing: $500-1000 (Month 1 & 3)
• Devices/Wearables: $500-1500 (one-time)
• Food: $600-800 (quality sources)
• Professional services: $200-500 (optional)

This protocol represents the cutting edge of longevity science and biohacking. Individual results will vary, and continuous optimization based on personal data is essential for long-term success. joaquintournier@Joaquins-MacBook-Pro Rival %