(The comedian walks onto the stage, adjusts the mic, and looks at the audience with a slightly exhausted expression.)
“How’s it going? Good? Good. I’m doing okay. I’m at that age now where my body has started making sound effects. You know what I mean? I don’t just sit down anymore. I announce my arrival. I sit down and my knees go, 'Clack-clack-pop.' My lower back is like, 'Are we doing this? Really? Okay, fine, but I’m going to complain about it for the next four business days.'”
(Pause for laughter)
“I realized I was officially getting old when I started getting excited about... appliances. That’s my life now. Last week, I spent forty-five minutes reading reviews for a cordless vacuum. Forty-five minutes! I wasn’t even buying it yet. I was just deep in the forums, reading arguments between strangers about 'suction power' and 'battery longevity.' I felt like I was studying for a final exam. I was like, 'If I don't get the Dyson, my entire domestic future is compromised.'”
(Shakes head)
“And have you noticed how much harder it is to be a person now? Everything is a subscription. I feel like I don’t own anything. I don’t own movies. I don’t own music. I don’t even own my heated seat in my car—I just rent the privilege of being warm for $14.99 a month. I’m terrified that one day I’ll wake up and my front door will be locked because I forgot to update my 'Entryway Premium Membership.' I’ll be standing on the porch like, 'Please, I just want to go to my kitchen! I’ll watch a thirty-second ad for insurance if you just let me in!'”
(Paces the stage slightly)
“And don't get me started on the 'Smart Home' stuff. Everyone wants a smart house. I tried to set up a smart lightbulb last month. It was a disaster. I spent two hours trying to connect it to my Wi-Fi. It kept saying, 'Error: Device not recognized.' I’m standing there in the dark, yelling at a piece of glass, 'I AM YOUR CREATOR! CONNECT TO THE ROUTER!' Eventually, I gave up. Now I just have a regular lightbulb. It’s not 'smart,' but at least it doesn't require a firmware update just so I can see my cereal.”
(Leans into the mic, more intimate)
“I miss the simplicity of being a kid. When you were a kid, your biggest problem was whether or not you could jump over a puddle. Now, my biggest problem is 'Terms and Conditions.' I click 'Agree' on everything. I don't read anything. I’m basically signing away my soul to a software company just so I can use a photo filter that makes me look like a potato. I’m pretty sure somewhere in line 42 of the iTunes agreement, it says, 'By clicking here, you agree to let Apple decide your political affiliations and give your firstborn to a server farm in Iceland.'”
(Checks imaginary watch)
“Anyway, I gotta go. I have to go home and see if my vacuum arrived. I’ve got a very important meeting with some dust bunnies and a 15% discount code. You guys have been great. Thank you!”
(Waves and exits stage)
