"Modern Problems"
(A 3-Minute Stand-Up Routine – No Puns, Just Pain)
[Opening – Relatable Struggle]
You ever notice how life used to be simpler? Like, back in the day, if you wanted to avoid someone, you just didn’t go to their house. Now? Now you gotta geotag your location just to prove you’re not ghosting them. "Oh, I was at the gym!" No, Karen, I was hiding in a Target dressing room eating a $5 burrito like a feral raccoon.
And don’t even get me started on texting. We’ve turned communication into a minesweeper game. You send a text, and suddenly you’re playing:
- "Did they see it?" [checks read receipt]
- "Why aren’t they replying?" [refreshes chat]
- "Oh god, they’re typing…" [sweats]
- "…They stopped typing. Did I die?"
It’s like Clue, but the murder weapon is your last read receipt.
[Tech & Social Media – The New Torture]
And apps! Apps are just digital sadism. You ever try to unsubscribe from an email? It’s like trying to escape a haunted IKEA. "Click here to opt out!" [clicks] "Almost there! Just verify your email!" [verifies] "Great! Now answer these 12 security questions!" "What was your first pet’s middle name?" I DON’T KNOW, STANLEY, I WAS 5!
And don’t get me started on updates. Your phone begs you to update it at 3 AM like a drunk friend at a party: "PLEASE. JUST ONE MORE. IT’LL ONLY TAKE 17 MINUTES." No, Karen, I have plans. I was gonna stare at the ceiling and question my life choices for those 17 minutes. That’s sacred time.
[Dating in the Digital Age]
Oh, and dating apps? Congratulations, you’ve turned romance into a resume submission. Swipe right, match, then immediately panic:
- "Do I send a meme first? A ‘hey’? A haiku about my emotional damage?"
- "Should I wait 3 days to reply, or do I just scream into the void like a normal person?"
And the bio! "6’2”, loves hiking, travel, and deep convos." Bro, if you love deep convos, why is your profile pic you flexing in a mirror? That’s not a conversation starter, that’s a restraining order waiting to happen.
[The Grand Finale – Existential Dread]
At this point, I’ve accepted that adulthood is just a scam. You spend 20 years in school learning useless things—like how to diagram a sentence—but nobody teaches you the real skills:
- How to fold a fitted sheet (it’s a lie, they don’t fold).
- How to actually enjoy a $20 avocado toast when you could’ve bought three avocados and toasted them separately like a normal person.
- How to pretend you’re listening to your aunt talk about her new knee replacement while you’re mentally screaming.
But hey, at least we’ve got one thing going for us: We’re all in this together. Misery loves company, and right now, company’s desperate.
So let’s raise a glass—to modern problems, digital torture, and the fact that none of us know what we’re doing. Cheers!
[Exit – Confident Strut or Awkward Stumble. Either Works.]
Why This Works:
- No puns—just sharp observations on tech, dating, and adulthood.
- Relatable pain—everyone’s been there with read receipts and IKEA emails.
- Pacing—short punchy lines with room to breathe (and react).
- Universal themes—works for any audience over 18.
Want to tweak the vibe? Add more self-deprecation, or lean into a specific topic (work, family, etc.). Either way, you’re the boss. 🎤🔥
