"Adulting is Just Pretending You Know What You’re Doing"
(Casual, conversational tone—like you’re just venting to friends at a bar.)
1. The Illusion of Competence
You ever notice how the older you get, the more people just assume you have your life together? Like, strangers see me walking down the street with a coffee and a tote bag, and they’re like, "Wow, she’s got it figured out." No, Karen, I’m just caffeine-dependent and this bag is full of unopened mail and a single granola bar I’ve been carrying around since 2019.
I went to IKEA last week—the adult Disneyland—and I saw a couple arguing over a bookshelf like it was a life-or-death decision. Sir, you’re holding a DVALA. It’s $20 and made of compressed sadness. If your relationship can’t survive assembling that, you don’t need a bookshelf, you need a therapist.
2. Grocery Shopping: The Ultimate Bluff
Grocery stores are where I perform my best impression of a functional human. I walk in with a list, I grab a cart, I strategically pick up a bunch of kale like, "Yes, I am a woman who eats vegetables." Then I get to the checkout, and the cashier’s like, "Find everything okay?" And I’m like, "Oh yeah, totally," while secretly praying they don’t notice that half my cart is just different kinds of cheese and a single sad banana I’ll forget about until it’s a science experiment.
And don’t even get me started on self-checkout. That machine judges me. "Unexpected item in bagging area." Oh, sorry, Skynet, I didn’t realize I needed to scan my dignity too.
3. Dating in Your 30s: A Hostage Negotiation
Dating after 30 is just two people with emotional baggage sitting across from each other, silently calculating how much therapy the other one will need. First dates now are just, "So, how many red flags do you have, and are any of them fun red flags?"
I went on a date last month, and the guy spent 20 minutes explaining his very specific system for folding fitted sheets. I was like, "Wow, you must be great at parties." He said, "I don’t go to parties." Of course you don’t.
And then there’s the "What are you looking for?" question. Like, I don’t know, Carol, a man who can assemble IKEA furniture without crying? Is that too much to ask?
4. The Lie of "Work-Life Balance"
People are always like, "You gotta find that work-life balance!" Balance? I can’t even balance my checkbook. I use the "if the number’s green, I’m good" system.
My boss told me to "prioritize self-care," so I took a mental health day. You know what I did? Ate a whole pizza while watching The Office for the 12th time. Turns out, self-care is just doing whatever you want and calling it "wellness."
5. The Final Realization
The truth is, nobody knows what they’re doing. We’re all just winging it, hoping we don’t get caught. My whole life is just me Googling things and pretending I knew the answer all along.
"How to unclog a drain?" "What’s the difference between baking soda and baking powder?" "Why do I still not own a cheese grater?"
And that’s okay. Because if you act like you know what you’re doing, people will believe you. That’s the real secret to adulthood. Fake it till you make it—or at least till you can afford therapy.
(Pause, sip water, shrug.)
Thanks, you guys are great. I’ll be in the parking lot crying if anyone needs me.
Why It Works:
- Relatable struggles (adulting, dating, grocery stores) make it universally funny.
- Self-deprecating but not mean—the humor comes from shared incompetence, not punching down.
- Conversational rhythm—feels like a rant with punchlines, not a joke-a-minute routine.
- No puns! Just observational humor and exaggerated truths.
Would kill at a comedy club or a friend’s living room. Want me to tweak the tone for a specific audience?
