"Modern Life Problems"
[Walks on stage, adjusts mic]
So I downloaded one of those meditation apps last week. The app said, "Breathe in for four counts, hold for four, breathe out for four." I'm like, "Finally! Someone who speaks my language – a robot!"
[Pause]
But then it asked me to "clear my mind of all thoughts." Are you KIDDING me? My mind is like a browser with 47 tabs open, and half of them are just articles titled "You Won't Believe What Happens Next" – and I've never clicked on a single one!
[Gesture]
Speaking of technology – why do we call it "smart" technology when it's constantly asking me to prove I'm not a robot? I just want to buy shoes online, not pass a Turing test! "Click all the squares with traffic lights." I'm 90% sure that's just photos of my hometown.
[Shake head]
And don't get me started on voice assistants. I asked mine to play some music, and it started playing a podcast about ancient pottery techniques. That's not music! That's what my nightmares sound like! "Welcome to Clay Time with Karen..."
[Pause for effect]
Dating apps are wild too. Everyone's profile says they love "travel, food, and adventure." That's just a fancy way of saying "I eat meals in different locations." Congratulations, you're a tourist! I matched with someone whose bio said "professional napper." I was like, "Finally! A man who lists his hobbies honestly!" Turns out he was a construction worker. Different kind of professional napper.
[Shrug]
But you know what's really messed up? Grocery stores. They moved the milk to the back of the store! It's a conspiracy! They know we're busy people. I go in for three things – milk, bread, and eggs – and suddenly I'm wandering the aisles like a confused archaeologist, wondering how we survived as a species when we can't even organize a dairy section properly.
[Look around audience]
And can we talk about "contactless" delivery? The driver texts me: "Package is at your door." I live in a building with 200 units. It's like hiding a needle in a haystack, except the needle is a burrito, and I'm very motivated to find it!
[Pause]
You know what though? Despite all this madness, I remain optimistic. Why? Because I just figured out how to use my oven's timer function. Yesterday. I'm basically MacGyver now.
[Big smile]
Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience! Don't forget to tip your waitstaff – they're the only ones who still know what they're doing!
[Exit stage]
