[Lights up. Comedian walks center stage, smiles.]
“Hey! Great to be here. You ever notice how everyone’s life hack is now ‘just drink more water’? Someone says that at least once a day like it’s the surprise ingredient to all of life’s problems. ‘Oh, you’re tired?’ ‘Drink water!’ ‘Oh, you’re sad?’ ‘Drink water!’ I tried that on a date once. I’m like, ‘You’re not laughing. Want water?’ She said, ‘You’re not funny.’ I said, ‘Hydrate.’
Speaking of life hacks, have you ever downloaded a productivity app just to check your productivity apps? It’s like, I spend more time organizing the thing that’s supposed to keep me organized. I open the app, spend ten minutes setting the perfect color-coded schedule, then realize I’m supposed to be working, so I close it. Now my brain is stuck in the loading screen of ‘I’ll do it tomorrow... but first, let me sync it with my wellness app.’
Why is it that the moment you buy a new appliance, it becomes a museum piece? You get a blender with a million buttons — smoothies, soup, salsa, self-esteem. You use it once, put it in the cupboard, and suddenly you’re in denial. Friends come over, and you’re like, ‘That blender? It’s not for blending. It’s for letting the kitchen know you’re trying.’ It’s like a motivational poster in stainless steel.
And grocery stores — why are they all arranged like you’re on a scavenger hunt for salad? Milk is in the back like it’s playing hide-and-seek with lactose intolerant people. You have to walk past the bakery, the candy, the olives — because clearly, the only way to pick up almond milk is to triple-check you’re committed to your new lifestyle. The cashier scans your oats and almond milk, and you whisper, ‘It’s for a smoothie. No, I’m not depressed.’
Flight travel — I love it. Nothing like boarding a plane where everyone is on the same mission: avoid eye contact with the person in the aisle seat who clearly brought three carry-ons and zero self-awareness. The flight attendant is like, ‘Please place your carry-on in the overhead compartment.’ You’re like, ‘I can’t even place my life in there right now.’ They always say, ‘For everyone’s safety, make sure the aisle is clear.’ The aisle is about as clear as my schedule — which is also, ironically, empty.
Technology keeps telling us we have connectivity issues, but the minute something goes wrong, the customer service person is like, ‘Have you tried turning it off and on again?’ That’s their whole job. I’m paying you to reboot my wifi like I’m negotiating with a temperamental teenager. I’m like, ‘No, listen, I unplugged it, I sang it a lullaby, I begged it not to drop my Zoom call. What else do you want?’
But I don’t mind. Honestly, the best part of adulthood is realizing you’re still making it up as you go — just with smaller toys and more insurance policies. I mean, my version of wild now is ordering a fancy cheese plate and pretending it’s a celebration. I’m just like, ‘Congratulations, you made it to Thursday. Here’s brie.’
Thanks, you’ve been awesome! I’ll be around; I might just try that water thing again… later.”
