"Life in the Digital Age" - A 3-Minute Stand-up Routine

Hey everyone! Great to be here tonight. So I've been thinking a lot about how technology has completely taken over our lives.

You know what's crazy? We now have smart everything. Smart fridges, smart toilets... I got a smart mattress last month. It tracks my sleep patterns and sends me reports. Last week it sent me an email that just said "Please... see other mattresses." Not even my bed wants a committed relationship with me.

Dating apps are wild these days too. I signed up for one where you have to verify your identity with a government ID. I uploaded my driver's license photo, and the app rejected it saying, "This can't be you. The person in this photo looks like they've seen sunlight."

And don't get me started on those video calls with family. My grandmother got her first smartphone during the pandemic. Every call starts with ten minutes of looking at her ceiling fan, followed by her asking, "Can you see me?" while her face takes up the ENTIRE screen. I can count her pores! Then she'll turn the camera to show me something in her house, but it's moving so fast it looks like found footage from "The Blair Witch Project."

Everyone's obsessed with their screen time now. My friend showed me his weekly report - 9 hours a day! I was like, "That's terrible!" while quickly hiding my 11-hour average. At this point, my phone battery has a better work-life balance than I do.

Social media has us all living double lives. I'll post a photo captioned "Living my best life!" from a fancy restaurant, but what you don't see is me calculating if I can afford the appetizer while drinking the free water. And I spent 45 minutes arranging that food for the perfect shot. By the time I ate it, it was colder than my ex's heart.

The worst is when your phone dies in public. It's like losing a limb! I was at a coffee shop when my battery hit 1%. I started panicking like I was diffusing a bomb. "Does anyone have an iPhone charger?! This is an emergency!" A guy offered me his Android charger and I looked at him like he offered me a fax machine.

You know what's really sad? I realized recently that my most stable relationship is with my Wi-Fi router. We've been together for three years. Sure, it ghosts me sometimes for no reason, but don't they all?

Anyway, that's my time - gotta go check if my refrigerator posted on Instagram without my permission. You've been great! Thank you!