Three Minutes

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So I've been trying to drink more water. Everyone says drink more water. Eight glasses a day. And I'm doing it, I'm hydrated, I'm healthy, and I have to pee every forty-five minutes like I'm paying rent on the bathroom.

I was in a meeting last week—an important meeting—and I'm sitting there doing the math. "Okay, she's on slide 12, there's 40 slides, I can make it. I can make it." I could not make it. I did that thing where you stand up and just... leave. No explanation. Power move, honestly. Everyone probably thought I was so busy and important. Nope. Kidneys.

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I turned 35 this year, and your body just starts... sending you notifications. Like a software update you keep ignoring. My knee cracked the other day and my wife looked at me like I'd been shot. I'm like, "No, that's just... that's just how I stand up now. From sitting. That's the sound of standing."

And doctors start asking you different questions at 35. "Any family history of—" YES. Whatever you're about to say, yes. Heart disease, diabetes, anxiety, bad decisions at buffets—it's all in there. My family tree is basically a WebMD search gone wrong.

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I have a four-year-old, and nobody tells you that having kids means you're just gonna be wrong about everything for the rest of your life. My daughter corrected me on dinosaurs last week. I said "brontosaurus" and she hit me with, "Actually, it's apatosaurus, the brontosaurus was a misclassification."

She's FOUR. I don't even know where she learned that. I'm pretty sure I taught her the word "spoon" like eight months ago, and now she's out here peer-reviewing my paleontology.

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Thank you, you've been a great crowd!