standup-routine

3-Minute Stand-Up Comedy Routine (No Puns Allowed)

Opening:
(Adjust mic) You ever notice how everyone lies about their height on dating apps? “I’m 6 feet tall.” Really? Because I’m 5’11”, and you’re definitely shorter than me. You’re out here claiming 6 feet like it’s a tax deduction. “Yeah, I donated to charity… my height.”

Dating:
Dating apps are wild. You’re swiping through people like, “Oh, you like hiking? Wow. You and every other basic human who owns a pair of sneakers.” Meanwhile, their bio says, “I love to laugh!” Cool, so you’ve experienced joy—groundbreaking.

And first dates? Awkward. You’re both pretending you don’t have Google. “So… what do you do?” I already stalked your LinkedIn, Jessica. I know you’re in “strategic marketing synergy.”

Gym Life:
I joined a gym recently. Big mistake. Everyone there looks like they’re training for the Avengers, and I’m just trying not to die on the treadmill. The other day, some guy grunted so loud, I thought he was either lifting 300 pounds or giving birth.

And gym etiquette? If you take a machine and then just sit there scrolling Instagram, you’re a menace. You’re not working out; you’re just holding equipment hostage.

Social Media:
Social media is just people pretending their life is perfect. “Look at my avocado toast!” Wow, you put an egg on bread—call the Louvre. Meanwhile, I’m over here eating cereal for dinner like, “This is fine. This is fine.”

And don’t get me started on LinkedIn. Everyone’s a “thought leader” or a “disruptor.” Really? Because your last post was just a screenshot of a quote you copied from Google.

Closing:
Life’s weird, man. We’re all out here pretending we know what we’re doing. But deep down? We’re all just Googling “how to adult” at 2 a.m.

(Beat)
Anyway, I’m out of time. You’ve been great—or at least, you laughed politely. That’s all I can ask for. Goodnight!

(Drop mic—or gently place it down if you’re not confident in your mic-drop skills.)

---

This routine keeps it light, relatable, and punchy without relying on puns. Hope it lands! Let me know if you'd like any tweaks.