Generate a Stand-Up Routine

Here’s a 3-minute stand-up comedy routine that avoids puns and leans on observational humor, storytelling, and a touch of self-deprecation for laughs:

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Opening: Technology Struggles
Hey, everyone! How’s it going? You know, I’ve been thinking about how technology is supposed to make our lives easier, but half the time it just turns us into confused messes. Like, I was texting my friend the other day to say, “I’m on my way,” and autocorrect decided, nah, let’s spice it up—changed it to “I’m on my cat.” Now my friend thinks I’m out here galloping around town on a tabby. I mean, cats are great, but as a mode of transport? Forget it. You’d be late to everything, stopping every five minutes for a nap or to chase a laser pointer.

The Date Disaster
Speaking of looking ridiculous, I went on a date recently, and it was going pretty decent—nice restaurant, solid chat—until my phone decided it was time to ruin my life. Out of nowhere, it butt-dials my ex. Not just any ex, but the one who still has my Netflix password and isn’t afraid to use it. So there I am, mid-sentence, trying to be suave, and suddenly my ex’s voice is blasting through the speaker going, “Hey, have you seen the new season of our show?” Our show! Like we’re still a thing! My date’s just staring at me, and I’m over here like, “Oh, haha, that’s just… my phone’s impression of a terrible wingman.” Didn’t recover from that one.

Cooking Catastrophe
I probably should’ve seen it coming, though. I’m not exactly a master of romance. My dating history is basically a highlight reel of chaos. One time, I tried to impress a date by cooking dinner—thought I’d keep it simple with spaghetti. How hard could it be, right? Well, turns out, hard enough to set the kitchen on fire. Not a little smoke, I mean flames. The fire department showed up, and I’m standing there covered in marinara sauce, explaining how I turned pasta into a 911 call. One firefighter goes, “You got a permit for this disaster?” I’m like, “No, but can I get your number instead?” Spoiler: he said no.

The Fish Fiasco
After that mess, I figured I’d take a break from dating and get a pet instead—something easy, low stakes. So naturally, I picked a fish. Because why not set myself up for maximum disappointment? Now I’m that guy having one-sided conversations with a creature that doesn’t even blink in my direction. I even tried to take it for a walk once—grabbed the bowl, walked around the block. People were staring, and this kid comes up like, “Are you starting a traveling aquarium?” I go, “Nah, just giving my fish some exercise.” He ran away, probably to tell his parents there’s a lunatic on the loose.

Closing: Blaming the Phone
But you know what? At least my fish doesn’t care about my dating flops. My phone, though? That thing’s out to get me. Between autocorrect and rogue calls, it’s like it’s trying to sabotage my whole existence. Maybe I should ditch it and go old-school—carrier pigeons, smoke signals, something. At least then, when it all goes wrong, I can point at the bird and say, “That’s on you, pal.” Thanks, everybody—you’ve been awesome!

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This routine mixes relatable everyday mishaps with exaggerated storytelling and a bit of self-mockery, keeping it pun-free and clocking in around three minutes with natural pacing and delivery.