(The comedian walks on stage, grabs the mic, and smiles at the audience.)
How’s everyone doing tonight? You guys look great. Seriously. You look like the "after" photo in a teeth whitening commercial.
I’ve been trying to get healthier lately. You know how it is. You hit a certain age, and your body stops asking for junk food and starts asking for fiber and quiet. I downloaded one of those fitness apps. It’s supposed to motivate you. It’s passive-aggressive as hell.
It sends me notifications at 11:00 PM. “Steve, it looks like you’ve been sitting for four hours. Have you considered a walk?”
No, app. I haven’t. I’m in the middle of watching a documentary about hoarders. It’s very stressful! I can’t leave the TV. What if I miss the part where they find a cat skeleton in a pile of old newspapers? That’s the climax!
And the app tracks my sleep. It tells me, “You got 4 hours of sleep. That’s poor.”
I know it’s poor! I was there! I was the one staring at the ceiling, thinking about that email I sent in 2014 with a typo in the subject line. Why does the app care? Is it going to call my mom? “Hello, Mrs. Johnson? Steve slept in 20-minute increments and ate a bagel at 3 AM. We’re very worried.”
I don’t need a machine to judge me. I have parents for that.
But I’m trying to eat better. I went to the grocery store. Have you been to a grocery store recently? It’s not food anymore. It’s a battle of philosophies.
I walked down the cereal aisle, and I couldn’t find anything I liked. It’s all just cardboard and guilt now. There’s no cartoon animal on the box anymore. Instead, it’s a picture of a granola cluster with a font that looks like a doctor wrote it.
It says: “Ancient Grains & Seeds.”
I don’t want to eat history. I want to eat something that tastes like chocolate and regret. I don’t want to chew on a quinoa pellet and think, “Oh, this was probably harvested by a monk in the Andes.” I want a marshmallow shaped like a football!
And the organic section is a scam. I saw an organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, vegan water. It was twelve dollars. It’s water! It fell from the sky! It’s the most renewable resource we have! It’s literally free if you stand outside with your mouth open for five minutes, but then people call the police.
So, I bought the expensive water. I got home, and I opened the fridge... and I have no room. Why is the fridge so small?
The fridge is the only appliance in the house that gets smaller the longer you own it. When you buy it, it’s a cavern. You think, “I will never fill this. I will need to buy a cow just to take up space.”
Three months later, you’re Tetris-ing condiments. You’re holding a jar of mayonnaise, a jar of pickles, and a lime that’s turned into a raisin, and you’re trying to close the door. You have to perform surgery. You have to take everything out, look at it, and ask, “Do I really need this mustard from 2019?”
It’s vintage! It has character!
But the real enemy isn’t the fridge. It’s the smart home.
I stayed at an Airbnb recently that had "Alexa" controlling everything. I hate this. I don’t want to talk to the house. I grew up in a house. The house didn’t talk back; it just made a cracking noise when the heat came on, like a ghost settling in its grave. That’s how I like it.
But this house... I’m trying to sleep, and I whisper, “Alexa, turn off the lights.”
And she screams, “I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T CATCH THAT. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR A JOKE?”
No! I want darkness! I’m in a stranger’s bed! I don’t need a robot comedian right now!
Then, later, I’m in the bathroom, and I accidentally say a word that sounds like "Alexa." And the toilet flushes. I didn’t even touch it. It just decided we were done. It flushed on its own. That’s terrifying. That means the toilet is listening to me. It’s judging my performance.
And then the toilet says, “Would you like to hear a joke?”
No, toilet! I am the joke! I am a man paying twelve dollars for water, eating food that tastes like dirt, trying to lose weight while a robot yells at me, and my refrigerator is shrinking!
I’m going to go home and sleep on the floor. It’s the only flat surface left in my life that doesn’t have a sensor on it.
Thank you, you’ve been wonderful! Goodnight
