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Stand-Up Comedy Routine: "The Quirks of Modern Life"

[Lights up. Comedian walks on stage, grabs the mic.]

"Hey, everyone! How’s it going? Good? Great. I’m here to talk about the weird stuff we all deal with in modern life. You know, the things that make you go, 'Wait, is this normal, or am I just losing it?'

Let’s start with smart devices. I have a smart speaker at home. You know, the kind that’s supposed to make your life easier. But somehow, it’s turned into a passive-aggressive roommate. Like, I’ll say, 'Hey, play my morning playlist,' and it’ll respond, 'Playing The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel.' And I’m like, 'Wow, even my speaker’s roasting me now.'

And don’t get me started on autocorrect. It’s like having a personal assistant who’s always drunk. I’ll type, 'I’m running late,' and it’ll change it to, 'I’m running llama.' Yeah, because that’s what I meant. I’m late to work because I’m herding llamas. Totally normal.

Speaking of work, can we talk about Zoom meetings? I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re on mute for the entire meeting, you’re not fooling anyone. We all know you’re eating a sandwich or scrolling through TikTok. And that little 'You’re on mute' reminder? It’s the digital equivalent of someone tapping you on the shoulder and saying, 'You’re embarrassing yourself.'

And let’s not forget self-checkout machines. I don’t know about you, but every time I use one, I feel like I’m being tested. It’s like, 'Please place the item in the bagging area.' I did place it in the bagging area! Why are you yelling at me? I’m not stealing a $2 banana! And then the attendant comes over, and I feel like I’ve been caught shoplifting, even though I’m literally paying for my groceries.

Oh, and social media. What even is that anymore? It’s like a highlight reel of everyone’s fake lives. People post pictures of their perfect vacations, their perfect meals, their perfect relationships. Meanwhile, I’m over here posting a selfie with the caption, 'Survived another day without spilling coffee on myself.' Spoiler alert: I didn’t survive.

But you know what’s the weirdest thing about modern life? Streaming services. There are so many of them now, I spend more time choosing what to watch than actually watching anything. I’ll scroll through Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, and Amazon Prime for an hour, only to end up rewatching The Office for the eighth time. At this point, I’m not even watching it for the jokes; I’m just checking in on my fictional coworkers.

And don’t get me started on passwords. I have so many passwords now, I’ve started using the same one for everything. My Netflix password is literally 'Password123,' and I’m just hoping no one hacks me. Like, what are they gonna steal? My watch history of true crime documentaries?

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for tonight. Thanks for laughing, and remember: if you’re ever feeling overwhelmed by modern life, just take a deep breath, turn off your smart speaker, and eat a banana. Just make sure you pay for it at the self-checkout.

Goodnight, everyone!"

[Lights down. Applause.]