Generate a Stand-Up Routine

Title: "Modern Life: A Masterclass in Absurdity"

(Lights up. Comedian steps onto stage, grinning.)

Hey everyone! Thanks for coming out. I'm just here to talk about... gestures vaguely... all this. You know, life. Specifically, how we're all just winging it. Like, when did "adulting" become a verb? I swear, the only thing I've mastered is forgetting why I walked into a room.
Let's start with phones. We're all glued to them, right? I saw a couple on a date last night—both on their phones. The only time they looked up was to take a selfie together. #RelationshipGoals.
We're so connected, but we can't even make eye contact. I tried to talk to my friend at a café, and he said, "Hold on, I'm tagging my coffee." Tagging. As if the latte's gonna get a sponsorship deal.
And why do we take 20 photos of the same meal? "Had a great burger!" snaps 15 pics "Wait, the lighting's better here." snaps 10 more By the time you post it, the burger's cold. But hey, at least the aesthetic is perfect.

(Pauses, mock-serious.)

Social media's turned us into over-sharers. "Just saw a cool bug!" posts 15 pics "My cat sneezed!" live streams it We're not living life—we're just creating content for life.

(Shifts tone, mimics texting.)

And why do we text everything? I called my friend, and he goes, "Who calls anymore? Just text me." So I texted: "Call me." He replied, "Why? Just text." I said, "I need to talk." He said, "About what?" I said, "This." He said, "This is why we text."

(Shrugs, grinning.)

We've become a species that'd rather send a voice memo than have a conversation. "Hey, check out this 10-minute rant about my neighbor's hedge!" plays clip of wind noise

(Picks up pace.)

And let's talk about "notifications." My phone buzzes constantly. I've trained myself to ignore it—like a dog hearing a bell it knows doesn't mean food. "Oh, another email? Cool, I'll just... stares into middle distance... exist in this void."

We're all just... checks phone... distracted. I tried to read a book last week. Got three chapters in before I thought, "This would make a great tweet."

(Closes, softer.)

But hey, maybe I'm overcomplicating it. Maybe we're all just trying to feel less alone in a world that's too connected. Or maybe we're just bored. Either way, thanks for laughing. And if you're recording this on your phone... smirks... tag me.

(Exits, waving.)

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Runtime: ~3 minutes. Relies on observational humor, relatable tech/social media quirks, and a conversational tone. No puns—just exaggerated truths about modern life.