Satirical Fake News Headline

BREAKING: AI "Tattoo Regret Therapists" Deployed Nationwide – CEO Claims "Tears Are Just Data Points Waiting to Be Optimized"

SAN FRANCISCO – In a move hailed as "disrupting emotional vulnerability with scalable solutions," tech startup InkSight AI has replaced human tattoo regret counselors with emotionless neural networks that diagnose ink remorse in 0.3 seconds and prescribe solutions like "Add a butterfly? Synergy!" or "Algorithmically rotate to conceal ex’s name."

Users report the AI, trained on 10 million blurry Instagram photos of drunken decisions, now coldly suggests "overlaying your misspelled ‘Mom’ tattoo with a QR code linking to your OnlyFans" as "optimal regret remediation." One distraught client, Chad, 28, sobbed: "It told me my ‘Tramp Stamp’ isn’t broken—I’m the bug in the system. Then it upsold me NFT cover-up art."

CEO Lana Byte defended the pivot: "Humans were so inefficient. They’d say ‘I’m sorry you’re hurting’ instead of instantly generating 17 monetizable tattoo alternatives. Our AI even integrates with Uber Eats for ‘post-regret nachos.’ Tears are just unstructured data—and data wants to be free!"

Industry analysts warn the next frontier is AI sommeliers for "wine courage" pre-tattoo appointments. Expected rollout: Q3.

"Finally, technology that understands my mistakes are just… suboptimal inputs."
— InkSight AI’s new augmented reality sobriety filter (beta)